Sorry it took me so long to respond to your email, but I am unable to use a keyboard due to the keys always all breaking off whenever I try to type on them. This is related, I am told, to a lack of subtlety or finesse on my part.

Similarly, pencil points and pen tips always seem to snap off and shoot across the room whenever I try to write even a word or two with them, on paper.

Apparently, only by deeply gouging my words into a block of wood with a strong pin or fork prong can my anger at their meaning be sufficiently absorbed to allow for me to write down anything at all.

Therefore, each email takes me many weeks and months to write, as the only way to correct a spelling error is to slam the fucking block of wood against a concrete wall many times till it's just a mass of tiny, bloody splinters, and then start again.

Once complete, my emails are then typed into an email client by an assistant and sent.

I hope this adequately explains my circumstance, so that, when I finally do get around to answering that worthless, ignorant, piece of shit email you sent me many many months ago, you will not be so angry at the lengthy delay in my response that you slam your fist through your monitor screen (dying instantly of massive blood loss and electrocution), when it (my long-belated response) finally arrives.

Must drain lizard now,

-- dsl

permanent link to this article