|Monday, July 25, 2005|
|Life (Accidentally) Remixed|
source: Life I
posted: July 25, 2005, 1:01 PM
by: Rebecca Sunnybrook
In the beginning, Creation had a sense of humor, so, for laughs, it used Boolean algebra (all it really had
at the time) to invent what came to be known as "reality".
But, because reality was made out of Creation's very substance, they both moved at the same speed and Creation could not predict reality's future.
And that's why, on the stand that day, Creation was able to honestly, plausibly deny any advance knowledge whatsoever that when reality took its 1034th crap, out would come life.
"Therefore, your honor," Creation's defense team told the judge, "we would ask you to please desist from any further ass-kissing of illogic and irrationality, and find the defendant, Creation, not guilty by reason of, you know, Reason itself.
In their rebuttal, or redirect, or summation, or whatever, the prosecution said, "So! So reality is just a joke, eh? Then how come, how come Life, you know, LIFE, takes itself so motherfucking seriously?"
They paused for effect and slowly looked from face to face in the jury. Then they looked from face to face in the rest of the courtroom once they could no longer bare to look into the blow-job-inflated mouths of the jury anymore.
"And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury," the prosecution continued once it felt its previous point had sunken all the way in, "Creation has taken a wrong turn, and has had to resort to creating people. But the only purpose of those people is to keep other people in line.
"And then, as you know, Life was bought out by Control, and there was nothing anybody could do about it. Life was promptly re-purposed in order to give more consequence to lies that couldn't exist at all without its aggressive, vocal support.
"Accordingly, the history of ideas has been determined by the wrong ideas of whichever asshole pushed hardest on the buttons on Control's control panel.
"And, since, your honor and ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it's gauche to talk about your success and painful to talk about your failure, there's really nothing much left to be said about anything anymore, except blow me and thank you."
And the prosecution rested.
In the press box many of us were thinking, shit, if I could just rhyme 'catastrophe' with 'apostrophe' I could launch a whole new career and not have to do this "justice" crap anymore.
But we couldn't.
To cheer us up while the jury deliberated, they showed The 3 Stooges, but that just made it worse.
Because, though The 3 Stooges, as everybody now knows, had invented Shakespeare to make themselves look good, they were still, also, among the primary evangelists of the idea that feeling anguish over purely mental constructs (constructs with no correlate in physical reality) was the evolutionary leap that allowed societies to exist at all.
Or, as Curly Joe always used to say, "Even hyenas bear the psychological burden of being judged -- uhhh woob-woob-woob-woob-woob."