For most of our lives now, films and books and songs and environmental and population studies and astrophysics have been promising us the end of the world.

And, as a result, a great deal of pent up expectation and hope has been expanded in all our human hearts.

In fact, a recent survey shows that most people currently alive on earth today will be thoroughly disappointed if they do not get to witness a full-blown glorious termination of the world, at least once in their lifetime.

This means, for one thing, that, as we sit here twiddling our thumbs, every minute, hundreds of thousands of people all over the world are dying unfulfilled.

So if we have the least bit of decency left in our ignorant brutal souls, it is time to get off our corpulent asses and do something about this injustice whose victims grow by 6 or 7 figures each day.

Of course, when I tried to spread this message out of unconditional unselfish love for all mankind, I was arrested and charged with one-man conspiracy to conditionally selfishly hate all mankind.

I was blindfolded and incarcerated, and when the blindfold was removed I found I was back in the very prison I'd escaped from months ago, but it had changed so much and there'd been so much turnover since my escape that I hardly recognized the place and no one there recognized me.

Fortunately, a few days after my arrival, the prisoners all got together and voted to outsource our incarceration to a phone bank in Bangalore and, the next day, we walked out into the sun.

This was the first time I had not been on the run in years, and I started vomiting out of fear of not knowing how to just sit there and be.

But, within hours, I was able to outsource my nausea to Metro Manilla and continue on.

The first thing I did was go and take a quick refresher course from Deepak Chopra or Tony Robbins, on how to be my own best douchebag. Apparently, forgetting this had led to whatever acts had led to my being incarcerated the first time -- escape from which incarceration had, in part, led to my being incarcerated the 2nd or 3rd time, depending on how you're counting.

Still, I knew that, sooner or later, I would run into something I couldn't outsource or drink or smoke my way through or be a douchebag about.

That something was the people.

Because, despite their Satan, and despite their clothes and haircuts, people had finally been reduced to being mere cellular automata of themselves -- much as Stephen Wolfram had predicted in his ground-shaking book "A New Kind of Scientology".

But, fortunately, in exchange for being reduced to mere cellular or cell phone automata, the people had been promised discounts ranging from 10-30%.

But, unfortunately, since people had been reduced to being a mere parody of reduction itself, it was hard to reach them with any new idea about how owed the end of the world they were.

To get to them, first you had to steal a car and crash it through the side of their house while they were watching TV.

And most likely what they were watching on TV at this time was the end of the world being promised to them yet again.

So, from there it was easy. You didn't even have to hold them at gun point because, like Christ or the Disciples, you have come bringing the good news -- the good news that the end of the world is within.

But, like Ken Lay or Frito-Lay, you have also come bringing the bad news that they will have to WORK to make the end of the world happen.

They will have to drop everything. Then they all have to get in one of their cars and you get in the other, so now you can go crash these 2 cars through the sides of 2 more houses and deliver the same message to its occupants and thus convince them to join too.

Then, from these 2 houses, there are 4 cars1 and enough people to break up into 4 groups to crash each of them through the sides of 4 more houses whose occupants are also thereby convinced to join in, so then there are 8 cars to go crash through the sides of 8 more houses -- and so on -- with the chain reaction proceeding like nuclear fission, according to the powers of 2, but with homes replacing neutrons as the unit of measure in the series 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128 256, 512, 1024, 2048, 4096, 8192, 16384, 32,768, 65,536, 131,072, etc.

Which, pretty soon, leaves most every house in the world with a car crashed through its side and the garage empty and the former occupants gone off with both their cars, and with enough cars and people generated when it's done so that a billion cars, stuffed to the gills with newly home-wrecked humanity, are free to go surround all world capitals -- demanding the end of the fucking world NOW! as promised.

Before one more person dies without it.

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