-- IN YOUR PANTS!!
A spectacular Al-Qaida attack took place, today, IN YOUR PANTS.
Fortunately, police and right-wing militias were able to
quell the attacks in your pants using precision
sledgehammers and boot heels and laser-guided baseball bats.
GRIEVING GODWIN WITHDRAWS LAW
Mike Godwin, inventor of the famous Godwin's Law about how to measure, quantum mechanically, how much of a loser you are if you're always, like, calling everybody all like Hitler and Nazis an' shit all the time, today announced the cancellation and withdrawal of his once-famous law.
Speaking from a near-suffocating sea of multiply re-used non-re-usable paste-on swastika tattoos, Godwin admitted that he had been totally despondent ever since George W. Bush first opened his mouth, an act which immediately rendered his law utterly, flagrantly, and way way beyond irrelevant.
Concurrent with its cancellation, Godwin's Law was replaced by some other guy's law -- which claims that any discussion on anything not referencing Nazis and Hitler within the first 5 seconds, should just shut its damn pie hole, or just have its damn pie hole shut for it.
"I read this book everyday, just before I go out and murder," says Hitler.
"I read this book TWICE everyday, just before each time I go out and murder," says Bush.
"I read this book FIVE TIMES everyday, just before each of the 5 times each day I go out and murder," says Hitler.
"I read this book 100 times everyday, just before each of the 100 times each day I go out and murder," says Bush."
"I love this book so much," says Hitler, "I make everybody read it just before I murder them."
"Yeah," says Bush, "Well I love this book so much, I make
everybody read it TWICE just before I murder them."
/boh'gon/ n. the elementary particle of bogosity
MOST FUCKED-UP PERSON ALIVE
LIVE MARKET UPDATE
ON / OFFHitler Deeply Embarrassed By Repeated Comparisons To Bush (Buenos Aires - Feb 13, 2003) Breaking a 58-year silence, former German chancellor, Adolph Herbert Walker Hitler, held a press conference early this morning at his 1200-acre villa just outside Buenos Aires, Argentina.
In a voice cracking with emotion, Hitler told reporters, "I am coming forward today because... I am only human... and have feelings... and hearing Bush compared to ME, day after day, by millions and billions of people all over the world, is starting to bring me down."
Scanning the crowd, Der former Fuhrer seemed to reach back to a by-gone glory, and suddenly turned all steely-eyed didactic.
"Look," he continued, now, "it's like this. If bein' a slimy sadistic murderous fascistic motherfucking low-life scumbag is rock 'n roll, then I am the Beatles, Stalin is the Rolling Stones, Pol Pot is the Who, and Bush IS THE MONKEES!! -- So imagine how awful it feels if you're John Lennon at a party and everybody's coming up all, 'hey, Peter Tork is just like YOU.'"
Having gotten this off his chest, Hitler looked suddenly relaxed, and paused for a moment.
Then, calling on us to "be like Rodney King and all just get along," Hitler said that "no one, not even the least scumbag among us, deserves the fate of having Bush compared to them, no matter how scummy their lives and crimes, and especially if, say, maybe they just kinda got in with the wrong crowd when they were young and wound up bein' kind of a sadistic murderous brutal ugly motherfucking genocidal piece of shit scumbag by accident and for maybe only a couplea years, way way back in the early 40's."
Reminding reporters about how "... and the '40s are just sooo OVER," Hitler suddenly dropped his folksy style and momentarily got all down and self-critical.
"But in the end," said Hitler, "I only have myself to blame. Like when Bush came to me for spiritual guidance, and I opened my heart to the little bugger, and showed him all my tricks, like the one about the Reichstag. And then I turn on CNN and everything he says is coming straight outta the Hitler playbook -- only dumbed down a little so the people at Fox News can understand.
"But does Hitler get one ounce of credit," Hitler went on, "or even the least little word of thanks? NOOOOOOOOO!! Hitler doesn't get bupkus! All Hitler gets is just this 'Oh Bush, he's like all Hitler' bullshit. Which only makes Hitler feel so much worse -- cause in the pantheon of world historic scumbags, Bush is down there just below the maggot in the dirt between the toes of Pinochet's number 4 butt-boy's number 6 butt-boy."
Still in confessional mode, Hitler went on to admit that if he'd only known that one day his youthful indiscretions would get him compared to Bush, he might have taken a completely different path in life. "I probably would have become a Catholic priest," Hitler said, no longer able to hold back a tear at the thought of all the young lives he could have set on the path of righteousness.
"I hope this is a lesson to young people everywhere." Hitler concluded. "So, kids, don't be a slimy murderous motherfucking ignorant sadistic lying piece of shit Nazi fascist scumbag, or one day you too may be quietly walking down the street all smiling and happy on a bright sunny day in June when, suddenly, someone walking by turns to her companion and pointing at you says 'see that slimy ignorant fascist douchebag -- Bush is just another him.'"
Firm Chancellor/Limp Wannabe
Possibly Last Living Non-Nobel-Prize-Winning Economist Discovered
What is believed to be the last non-Nobel-Prize-winning economist on earth was discovered yesterday in the Squirrel Hill suburb of Pittsburgh, PA, by a team of MIT Archaeologists headed by Prof. Hanz Brinker.
"Until now," said Non-Non-Nobel-Prize-winning economist Brinker, "it was believed that there were no longer any non-Nobel-Prize-winning economists left on earth."
The non-existence of non-Nobel-Prize-winning economists on earth is apparently the result of awarding a new Nobel Prize in economics every week of every year since 1924, in the hope that if the phrase "Nobel Prize" were just repeated often enough in proximity to the word "economics," then even people with a functioning brain might conclude that economics was maybe NOT just a tragic body of self-delusion, outright lies, mathematical artifacts, and half-truths cynically trying to call itself "a science."
"Unfortunately," said Brinker, polishing his skates as he spoke, "the utter bogosity of economics is far too breath-taking for that, or -- putting it in a more modern parlance -- if the Nobel Prize for Physics is the Beatles, and the Nobel Prize for Literature is the Rolling Stones, and the Nobel Peace Prize is the Who, then the Nobel Prize for Economics IS THE MONKEES!!"
Oh yeah. John Smith, the non-Nobel-Prize-winning economist discovered in Pittsburgh, is the author of the best-selling novel "If the Nobel Prizes Are The Jackson 5, Then The Nobel Prize for Economics Is Tito." He is also president and founder of the Association of Non-Nobel-Prize-Winning Economists, a Washington think tank and lobbying group that no one apparently knows exists.
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