(NEW YORK, Sep 20)   Veiled references to shafts, tools, schlongs, salamis, cucumbers, sausages and pythons flowed like wine through the halls of the United Nations today as delegates prepared to send a team to Iraq to inspect Saddam Hussein's massive nuclear chemical and biological penis enlargement programs.

Many Bush administration officials believe Saddam is secretly trying to acquire the biggest cock in the world and that, if he succeeds, he will share it with terrorists and use it to threaten his neighbors.

The inspectors will have free rein to go anywhere in his country to seek out clandestine penis enlargement fabrication facilities possibly hidden in trendy nuclear bomb factories or at popular dual-use multiple warhead intercontinental ballistic missile silo vacation spots.

"We know that Saddam is trying to build the world's largest and most powerful nuclear and biologic-powered penis enlargement machine," Secretary General Idi Amin told the General Assembly, "in order to have the biggest cock on earth. And I think we all understand that that would be very very wrong."

According to experts from throughout the penis enlargement community, the device Saddam is working on will be able to increase his penis size at a rate of 1½ inches per month -- while the most powerful penis-enlargement system in the US, running wide open, can only do, like, 1 inch per month, max.

This means that -- based on the penis-sizes listed on their drivers' licenses -- even if Cheney, Bush and Rumsfeld spent 24 hours a day, 7 days a week attached to America's most powerful penis enlargement machines, Saddam would still easily surpass the sum of all their private parts laid end to end, by early 2004.

And certainly no sane nation would not immediately go to war to prevent that from happening.

"It is a well-established tenet of the UN constitution passed at the Geneva Convention," Amin told the General Assembly, "that the president of Iraq should not have a bigger schlong than the schlongs of the President, Vice President, and Secretary of Defense of the world's only super power put together."

But Iraqi ambassador, Tarik Aziz insisted that "if freedom of speech is a human right, then so is freedom to have the large, thick, muscular cock you deserve."

Still he scoffed at the notion that buildings pictured in top secret CIA satellite reconnaissance photos (above right) are part of a massive nuclear chemical and biologic penis enlargement project.

"These buildings are part of a massive chopped liver project," he said scornfully, reminding everyone how, to the untrained eye, the machinery and processes required for the production of chopped liver look strikingly similar to the mechanical and information systems used in today's advanced, nuclear chemical and biologic penis enlargement systems.

Fortunately, it is believed that Saddam still needs about 25 kilos of enriched uranium or plutonium to have a fully functional super penis enlarger, and so good honest people everywhere are urged to eat as much fissionable material as possible, to keep it from falling into his hands.

The only trouble spot on the horizon comes from a recent survey which found that 90% of all Americans still yearn for the days when we had a real Johnson like Lyndon, or Woody like Wilson, or Dick like Nixon, running things.

Saddam Hussein displays computer simulation of what his cock will be once he gets that pesky Bush out of his business and can finish work on his super secret nuclear penis enlarger.

Top Secret CIA satellite reconnaissance photo shows enlarged penis containment building (dark square, upper right), ringed by support structures (to west and south) where components of the central penis enlargement device are hand-tooled by local craftsmen.

Mile long assembly buildings where hand-tooled components are assembled into the various sub-systems of the central penis-enlargement module. From here the finished sub-modules are trucked back through underground tunnels to the penis containment building, where highly trained technicians interconnect them via networked infosystems of giga-bit quantum genetic computers.

"Nixon" and "Kissinger," the originators of modern-day penis enlargement theory, are also credited with inventing the first practical penis enlargement system based on vacuum tubes and tiny people with massively disproportionate leg strength.

This article could not have been written without their assistance and encouragement, and it is they who deserve all credit for its many profound and fundamental insights.