200 Blowjobs

Wash, DC - ( Jan 7) - The 105th or so session of Congress or the Senate or something was back in session today for the first time in several months because they hadda' like take a long vacation after bribing and blowing and killing so many people and generally being major fucking assholes in order to get re-elected so they could come back here, today, and reconvene Congress and figure out what happened in the Hulk Hogan vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper match at WCW Starcade '96 on December 29th at the whatever dome in, like, Some Big Dumb City, USA or wherever.

Anyway, it seems that when they got back, they found out that the House stereo system was fucking up and having some kinda problem with its speakers (apparently the tuner and CD player were OK).

So the House FX committee met like yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that, or something, to figure out what to do about fixing it. The house FX Committee (officially known as the House Special Effects Committee), is generally responsible for maintaining the software that controls the animatronics behind the general activities of the House and Senate.

"Yeah," said speaker repairman, Newt Gingrich, "Sometimes the animatronics get all outta whack, and Senators and Congressmen start walking into walls and then they go all whacko and start refusing bribes and stop sticking their tongues down secretaries' throats and up their nostrils and in their ears."

Gingrich went on to explain how the problem with the House speaker system was most likely due to "those fucking Cisco routers."

"I've just completed a study of internet routing patterns," he said, "And I've determined that those fucking Cisco routers are, like, doing too many early withdrawals, or something, and fucking up everything on the web. And since the web is life, then, ipso facto, or hic, haec, hoc, huius, huius, huius, those fucking Cisco routers are, like, fucking up everything. Including the House speakers."

Obviously wound up now, the speaker repairman continued, "Like sometimes you get two congressmen that look exactly alike and that's because, at the factory where they're stamping them out, every so often, a Cisco router screws up and the appearance parameters don't get changed. And with all the budget cuts an all, they can't really afford to throw anything away and do a new one, so we have these guys like Kasich and Dreir running around, who, when they're in the same room together, kinda spoil the illusion that they're, you know, like, human."

Anyway, the House was starting to get pissed that Gingrich hadn't fixed the fucking speaker system yet, so today, even before discussing the Hulk Hogan - Rowdy Roddy Piper match, they voted on whether to dump him as their repairman.

And just moments ago, moments after the vote, House Majority Leader, Schlong Marines, or Prick Navy, or Cock Air Force, or Dick Armey, or whatever, emerged from the voting room and told reporters, "Maybe it took that frog filmmaker Truffaut, like, 400 Blowjobs or so, to get a career. But over here, in the US of A, we're a damn lot more efficient -- cause it only took Mr. Gingrich around 200, to keep his."