MRN Today

Today's all-new Action on the Mike Rosoff Network

Each day, Mike Rosoff personally

tests all
the porno gifs on his net-
work in order to guarantee
total satisfaction to each
of his members.

This exciting new VR/AI product virtually eliminates annoying celebrities and politicians -- in real-time. Test drive it today, only on MRN.

Chat with Sting, Cher,
Charro, Dion, Fabian,
Tiffany. 3:00-3:15 pm PST,
today, in the MRN Chat Room.

New Services premiering today
Monday, june 21, 1999

Anti-tainment: COOL, NEW UNABOMBER NOVELS
The World Unabomber Foundation; Sausalito, CA
"Why Things Must Suck" is the first in a series of hundreds of new novels we'll be publishing in the coming months, because their authors threaten to blow up the world if we don't.
So, each week, we'll release a few more new chapters (ripped straight from the latest Unabomber's Underwood manual typewriter), and post them, uncut, unedited, and uncensored, here on MRN
Then we'll hold some kind of incredibly stupid contest, and whoever clicks the most product icons on the web or something, will get to actually read the novel (which, by the way, "pulsates with all the subtlety and surprise of a thermonuclear postage-stamp bomb").
Edutainfo: THE UNLEARNING CHANNEL
General Air & Water, Inc.

We all have things we wanna forget. -- In fact, whole chunks of the structure of everyday reality could be nicely thrown away and who'd miss them? Nobody. That's who.
And that's why we started the Unlearning Channel -- to help you take the first fledgling steps OUT OF THIS FUCKING WORLD.
So check us out each day only on the Mike Rosoff Network, and let us help you let go of the crap that's chained you to a world that doesn't even work that way anymore.
Computers/OS: 95 DOORS (All Locked)
Mike Rosoff Corp
What happens when you give C++ compilers to 10,000 chimpanzees locked in a room with Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek, and Robby Krieger, and don't let them out till they've written a pre-emptive multi-tasking operating system that just barely works on today's mid-range consumer-grade processors?
Why, 95 DOORS (All locked), of course. From the Mike Rosoff Corporation. But order now while supplies last, so you'll be ready for the late '96 (or '97) release of "Keys '96 (or '97)" which will, well, you know, sort of allow you to unlock at least a few of the 95 Doors, so you'll finally almost be ready to do something with the software.
Legal: CRASH AND BERNSTEIN, Attorneys at Law;
Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, US
Armed Robbery, Murder, Kidnapping, Treason ... we don't give a shit what your crime is ... we don't even wanna' know ... cause we get you off the old-fashioned way: By disassembling reality in court and convincing the jury beyond the shadow of a doubt that nothing -- absolutely NOTHING -- really exists. Or could ever possibly be what it claims to be.
And, now, your Mike Rosoff membership entitles you to a free legal consultation any day this week in our Crash and Bernstein online Chat Room. So stop by and tell us your filthy secrets.
Edutainfo: LEARN DESPERANTO IN 30 MINUTES
The World Desperanto Foundation; Berne, Switzerland
Desperanto -- the Universal Language of Despair -- was developed by a blue-ribbon international committee of really pissed-off people with impeccable credentials, sequestered together in Holiday Inns all over North America (a different one each day) for 15 years.
I mean, sometimes things can be sooooo bad -- but think how much worse they'd be if you were, say, really pissed off in a foreign country where you didn't speak the language. That's when you'll be sooooo happy that you can walk up to almost anybody, on any street corner or at any bar, anywhere in the world, and just start babbling away in Desperanto -- and they'll know exactly what you're saying.
And now, with our new intensive study course, included as an integral part of the Mike Rosoff Network installation process, you can learn the universal language of despair without lifting a finger, or turning a page or thinking a single thought.
Computers/Software: INTERNET IN A GLOVEBOX
Cry Inc.; Encinitas, CA
This latest and greatest entry in the Internet Browser Wars is the first software ever to be powered by Plutonium -- for enhanced performance.
OK, so maybe you do have to wear protective clothing and handle your keyboard using robot arms inside a lead-shielded glovebox, but the additional power more than makes up for these few inconveniences.
What additional power? you ask -- well, uhhh, let's see, there's like, ya know, like you can call it by extra-long, extra-filthy names (you're no longer restricted to calling it filthy names of 8 letters or less). And then there's "plug-and-play." Plug in your video game unit and go play some game, and forget about the Internet.
Another Mike Rosoff exclusive. Check our shopping guide for ordering details.

Today on the Mike Rosoff Network is updated virtually every minute by crack teams of highly skilled professionals, working long hours for low pay.

Any information contained in Today on the Mike Rosoff Network, that wasn't created by the Mike Rosoff Corp is purely coincidental and its inclusion here should not imply cognitive processes on the part of MRN or any of its staff, employees, personnel, or workforce, nor should it imply the possibility of any actual world in which it might logically exist.

Mike Rosoff reserves the right to completely transform any privately-owned service on his network in the interest of undoing the chain of validation at the heart of dishonesty, stupidity and greed, and to terminate any service without prior written notice simply because it isn't being filthy and vicious enough.

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Today on the Mike Rosoff Network is a copyrighted work of Mike Rosoff Networks, Inc., (c) 1996-1999, but may be copied or duplicated, provided this notice accompanies all such copies.
Last updated: 6/21/99 7:53 am, by: mfu@c3f.com