STATEMENT OF DONALD J.
November 9, 1999
Politicians are a buncha losers -- alawys talking, blah blah blah, blah blah
blah. And while it is true that we have a healthy surplus right now, who cares?
The plan I am proposing today does not involve anybody doing anything, actual
numbers, financial considerations or the usual "ideas." I know exactly what to
do instinctively, so all you American people have to do is just shut the fuck
up and get off my back.
Here is the SCHMUCK plan;
First, since all my billions and billions of dollars are currently all tied up
in the tallest, firmest, most expensive skyscrapers in the world, the
American people will have to loan me all their money for DEFINITELY no more
than 2 weeks. Max.
Then, when my ship comes in, I will pay everybody back DOUBLE or maybe even
TRIPLE and the American people will be twice or three times as rich as when I
started 2 weeks previous.
After that, we can all retire and everybody can just watch me on television
talking about and showing off my latest supermodel and hinting at how we're
about to have the best sex anybody's ever had, as soon as the camera's are
turned off, and who knows, maybe sooner.
Then, even though no one will ever get tired of watching me and my latest
supermodel either talk about or actually have better sex than anyone's
ever had before, I'll be bored and have to go out and make some
multi-billion dollar deals, eat a few racks of lamb, and get a new supermodel
cause, unfortunately as a result of being with me, the old one is all used up
and will have to go back to fucking photographers or whoever.
I will also save social security, so there will always be people around to
watch me talk about all my money and supermodels and real estate deals and how
cool I am.
I will also save medicare for the same reason.
And blah blah blah. Who cares about the rest.
Anyway, when I die, if ever, and if I'm still president at the time, to pay the
people back for worshipping me for being so rich and cool, I will tell everyone
the secret of why I am so rich and cool and have had every great babe that
every lived -- even though, the people are so lame, they won't be able to do anything
with it anyway. And then I will slip graciously or gracefully from center stage.
How Can I Help Schmuck to Run?