Friday, January 1, 1999
Predictions For So-Called "1999"

Orlando, Cepeda - (Jan 1) - According to CNN or Hustler, or both, 1999 will definitely not be half as big an utter fucking piece of shit as 1998 was. So, in order to put a little more flesh and blood and guts and sinew and spit into or onto this so-called "rosy" so-called "scenario," we've assembled a panel of the world's leading authorities in-their-own-mind and heavyweight so-called "thinkers" (cough) to tell the unwashed fucking masses exactly what's gonna happen in the coming year so the unwashed fucking masses don't even have to fucking bother waking the fuck up and getting the fuck out of bed and wasting our fucking time with their unwashed fucking mass bullshit like Celine Dion, John Travolta and Tom Wolfe to name just a few of the unwashed fucking masses' most utterly fucking worthless pieces of utter fucking empty boring bullshit. If you know what I mean.

Jan 1: Oooops. Y1.999K Bug unexpectedly kicks in, causing so-called "cosmos" to totally, like, so-called "CRASH!!!"

Jan 2: Cosmos automatically re-boots, but gives "Non-systems disk in drive" error, thereby leaving unanswered for all time the fundamental question of the universe: "How could evolution have sunk so low as to create even a single organism that would ever even consider considering reading Tom Wolfe's empty fucking worthless bullshit?"

Dec 30: While parents go around thinking that the extraordinary popularity of a certain children's' book is based on its "wonderful and inspirational" stories, its popularity is really based solely on the pictures -- which, whether they're ostensibly of mountains or rocket ships, all look exactly like, you know, genitalia.

Dec 31: Y2K Bug dies laughing.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC