Thursday, January 2, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Cheap, Generic, Post-New Year's

Lima, Peru - (Jan 2) - Huh? Oh Yeah... New Years... Right... OK... So what's the cure for stream-of-bogus-slow-newsday-post-New Year's-lazy-fucking-journalist-space-filler disease?

Simple. -- Just puke.

We'll wait.

What? It didn't happen? You need just one more to push you over the edge? Well, OK. But let's keep it brief.

1996 - Year In Review: It sucked.

1997 - Predictions: It'll suck possibly worse than '96.

1997 - New Year's Resolution: Try to be more optimistic.

1996-1997 - Hangover cure: 48-hour intravenous LSD.

1997 - Numerological Forecast: Lots of 19 year olds will be fucking lots of 97 year olds.

Madonna's New Year's Resolutions:
* Abandon stupid, ego-driven self-indulgence and spend rest of life bringing food and love to impoverished downtrodden masses.
* Be a little more discriminating about who the fuck I fuck. And, oh yeah, getting older. Better start charging for it.

Marc Andreessen's New Year's Resolution:
* Try... to... uh... talk ... uh ... a little, like, slower, an all.

Larry Ellison NY Resolutions:
* No more disingenuous bullshit about Java and NCs.
* Cut out Bill Gates' heart and eat it for breakfast. If there's no heart, eat the liver.

CNET Resolutions:
* Try even harder to make things, like, less boring, even though the last even passably "interesting" phase of the net ended over a year ago.
* More non-terminating GIF animations and spinning logos.

George Will's:
* Try to be a little less of a pompous sack of shit.
* Occasionally try to know a little about what the fuck I'm talking about.

William Bennett's:
* Try to be an even more pompous, self-righteous sack of shit.
* Pass constitutional amendment to officially remove "Gluttony" from Ten Commandments or 7 Deadly Sins, or whatever.

Sam Donaldson:
* Try to be a little less of a flaming moron asshole in public.

Wired Ragazine:
* Say to capitalists everywhere: "Hey, man, we've been carrying your fucking water now for years. Isn't it fucking time you, like, gave something back. To, like, US, for example."

Big media companies still trying to cash in:
* Maybe if we just, uh, add some local streaming video community chat rooms content and, uh, dumb it down a few more notches....

The Netly News:
* Keep writing more articles that fewer and fewer people care about.

Sun Microsystems:
* Try to quietly slip away from the whole creepy Java boondoggle. Deny we ever had anything to do with it in the first place.

* Work with human genome project to try to find genetic cure for disease that causes people to mysteriously cringe whenever anyone says ActiveX or "active Web pages."

* Repeal 22nd amendment.

* Sell all shares as soon as stock over-valuation reaches 800% in early February

Wall Street
* Take the money and run.

Dennis Rodman
* Finally score that Ru Paul babe.

Internet Search Engines
* Stop responding to searches on words like: "porn," "ebonics," "blowjob," and "buggering Anna Nicole Smith and Cindy Crawford at the same time."

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