Cheap, Generic, Post-New Year's
Lima, Peru - (Jan 2) -
Huh? Oh Yeah... New Years... Right... OK... So
what's the cure for
Simple. -- Just puke.
What? It didn't happen? You need just one more to push
you over the edge? Well, OK. But let's keep it brief.
1996 - Year In Review: It sucked.
1997 - Predictions: It'll suck possibly worse
1997 - New Year's Resolution: Try to be more
1996-1997 - Hangover cure: 48-hour intravenous
1997 - Numerological Forecast: Lots of 19 year
olds will be fucking lots of 97 year olds.
Madonna's New Year's Resolutions:
* Abandon stupid, ego-driven self-indulgence and spend
rest of life bringing food and love to impoverished
* Be a little more discriminating about who the fuck I
fuck. And, oh yeah, getting older. Better start
charging for it.
Marc Andreessen's New Year's Resolution:
* Try... to... uh... talk ... uh ... a little, like,
slower, an all.
Larry Ellison NY Resolutions:
* No more disingenuous bullshit about Java and NCs.
* Cut out Bill Gates' heart and eat it for breakfast.
If there's no heart, eat the liver.
* Try even harder to make things, like, less boring,
even though the last even passably "interesting" phase
of the net ended over a year ago.
* More non-terminating GIF animations and spinning
* Try to be a little less of a pompous sack of shit.
* Occasionally try to know a little about what the fuck
I'm talking about.
* Try to be an even more pompous, self-righteous sack of
* Pass constitutional amendment to officially remove
"Gluttony" from Ten Commandments or 7 Deadly Sins, or
* Try to be a little less of a flaming moron asshole in
* Say to capitalists everywhere: "Hey, man, we've been
carrying your fucking water now for years. Isn't it
fucking time you, like, gave something back. To, like,
US, for example."
Big media companies still trying to cash in:
* Maybe if we just, uh, add some local streaming video
community chat rooms content and, uh, dumb it down a few
The Netly News:
* Keep writing more articles that fewer and fewer people
* Try to quietly slip away from the whole creepy Java
boondoggle. Deny we ever had anything to do with it in
the first place.
* Work with human genome project to try to find genetic
cure for disease that causes people to mysteriously
cringe whenever anyone says ActiveX or "active Web
* Repeal 22nd amendment.
* Sell all shares as soon as stock over-valuation
reaches 800% in early February
* Take the money and run.
* Finally score that Ru Paul babe.
Internet Search Engines
* Stop responding to searches on words like: "porn,"
"ebonics," "blowjob," and "buggering Anna Nicole Smith
and Cindy Crawford at the same time."