The Washington Pissed
Monday, Jan 3, 2000

  Animals Capitalize On Global Chaos, Seize Cities And Towns

Small, tightly organized, multi-species bands of both domestic and wild animals seized small cities and towns all over the world, this morning, as humans remained distracted by a global informational chaos so subtle that no one, fucking, apparently, either even noticed, or dared even notice.

"All our little squares on all our websites are green," said some smiley-ass representative of some organization imbued with the task of testing whether or not global informational chaos had ensued as a result of something, which, for some reason, no one could remember what the fuck it was, anymore.

"I can't even seem to remember just what the fuck it was, was supposed to cause all this global-ass informational chaos," said the smiley-ass representative, "but since it obviously hasn't caused it, then it really doesn't even really matter just what it was anymore, now does it."

Meanwhile, as united animals swept across the land, raging hordes of vagrant errant humans waged vicious pitched battles over Sparklettes water factories and Star-Kist tuna processing plants.

Other small groups of humans spent their final days and hours letting neural net programs learn their brains so as to be downloadable again, centuries from now, onto any possible future platform, if and when the world is once again safe for any platform at all.

An earthquake of 7.1 magnitude also apparently struck Los Angeles, but was also apparently far too subtle for anyone in crass commercial Hollywood to even notice, what with they're being so busy thinking about bottom lines up the wazoo an' all, and trying so hard to re-invent re-invention itself.

In a few small mid-western towns, however, humans have apparently reported some success in holding off the animal hordes by catapulting flaming gasoline-soaked boxes of hamburger helper and flaming gasoline generators at them.

Meanwhile, religious competitions have been exhorting their audiences to "Monetize Your Ass!"

And people have gladly sacrificed their lives for Jennifer Lopes or whoever and Puff Daddy.

Merchants have started looking consumers dead in the eye and revealing like how last millennium was really all just one big loss leader and like how now, in this millennium, they expect to damn well start getting it all back, including the proverbial "and then some."

Food advertisements have switched to saying "though it looks like puke, it doesn't taste any worse than Kool-Aid."

And anybody prosecuted for lying who complained that, "hey, but you're all lying too" was politely informed that "hey, so what," on the way to the chair.

And after all, wasn't Napoleon really just another psychopath who only THOUGHT he was Napoleon and whose only real claim to fame was accidentally being first? And ditto everybody else?

And what about motor neuronal commands intentionally blocked just short of the next level of processing, and how this can instantly manifest across the universe as if there were no time?


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