Monday, January 4, 1999
Europe Goes, Like, All Neuro!!

Europe, EU - (Jan 4) - Europe, which is, apparently, either a country or a theme park or something, has, apparently, just jumped into the mosh pit of having financial markets around the world, today, suddenly trading in its cool new currency, the neuro.

The first full international trading day for the cool new European currency, the neuro, kicked off this morning when the needles on EEG machines in Sydney, Australia started going all wacky and jumping around like steroids on speed smoking crack that's been cured with intravenous LSD at, like, 5 a.m. (1800 GMT).

At the Westpac Bank foreign exchange trading room, there was the steady hum from the sum of all .357 firing pins hitting empty chambers in individual Russian Roulette games at each trading station, added to the sum of all desperate sighs from failure due to too many tiny unseen holes in the plastic bags over their head.

"People are just pissed that the fundamental unit of human exchange has changed from being the cold hard currency it used to be, to now being the basic unit of neurological functioning, which no one is even willing to even admit even exists, at this time," said Rebekka Cramer, a senior manager at Westpac Bank.

Dressed in cerebro-spinal fluid-soaked traders' jump suits, traders gazed intently at their hands, which would soon be counting out hundreds of the cool new neuros on a table and then handing the wet pile to somebody else who would go out and distribute the cool new neuros to other places and times. These people were known as neuro-transmitters. And if you could just get the essence of one of them, or the essence of one of their associated so-called "re-uptake" inhibitors, into a pill, then everything was gonna be all right.

In Tokyo and Hong Kong, neuro trading also brought many suicides that failed due to the actual phenobarbital having all been sold off years ago to pay for angry blowjobs and replaced with just placebos or random other actual non-placebo drugs like angel dust and preparation H.

Bank of America executive Hollis Mosher III said, "fjkl;sdfur jdfjkl hr4684hfnjdfhh en fhhfhjk fsdfsa."

Meanwhile, response from the typical man on the street was mixed.

"As far as I'm concerned, the neuro is an utter piece of utter fucking worthless corporate capitalist shitbag bullshit," said one typical man on the street in downtown Pawtucket, New Jersey.

"I really don't understand all this," said a tourist from Secaucus, New Jersey, trying to exchange some Twinkies for some neuros at Pawtucket's Alcoholics Anonymous International Airport.

For the moment, the neuro only exists only, you know, in your so-called "OWN MIND!!!" -- the same place your being a legend only exists, electronically. So if you wanna see one before January 1, 2002 you will have to turn your skull inside out but not your eyeballs.

In the meantime, German Beer, French Bread, Italian Pizza and other individual European national foods and birds will represent the neuro in cash transactions on the street amongst peons.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC