Monday, January 5, 1998
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"New Optimism" Sweeps Country; Wired On Board

Rancho San Narcisso - (Jan 5) - Hey, according to, you know, Tokeville or somebody, "Pessimism's for losers, and Optimism's for boozers."

Or "Optimism's for choosers, and Pessimisms's for boozers and losers and Hoosiers. Or somebody."

Anyway, according to someone on CNN or maybe it was somebody at "CNET: the Consumptive Network," Wired, of all people, despite a long history of failed IPOs and many bitter layoffs and desperate re-organizations and re-structurings and re-designs up the, you know, wazoo, and despite not only being an utter financial failure, but also now being positioned somewhere between Michael Jackson and Steven Seagal in the old dead pop culture used joke bin, Wired, of all people, has given two well-fed thumbs up to, you know, optimism, of all things.

So we sent William Saffire or Matt Drudge or Pinochio or Tinkerbell or somebody on over to Wired headquarters, in Rancho San Narcisso, or wherever, to interview the first over-fed but still ultra-chic bum they found puking in the gutter there, and try to learn, first hand, just what's up with all this lame optimism crap.

Saffire, or whoever: So, like, what's up with all this lame "optimism" crap?

Wired Spokesperson: ...lowest inflation rate in 30 years, 3rd consecutive year of 20% stock market increase, 7th consecutive year of uninterrupted GDP growth, lowest unemployment in 28 years, lowest earned run average in 5 years, most consecutive passes completed in a game in 15 years, most consecutive touchdown passes thrown with no intervening offensive plays whatsoever in 7 years, most yards rushing in the rain without steroids in 20 years, most consecutive foul shots where the basket and backboard were missed entirely in 25 years, most consecutive reserve quarterbacks leaving the game with career-ending brain concussions in 14 years, most roughing the kicker and tight end simultaneously calls in a game in 12 years, most balls thrown entirely out of the stadium in either despair or disgust in 11 years, lowest long-term interest rates in 4 years, most number 1 hit singles with 45 or more seconds of silence in place of an a cappella lead vocal in 30 years, most consecutive rejections from ivy league schools due to blood still dripping from lips during personal interview phase of application process in 6 years, most consecutive disingenuous slimeballs talking to each other about "thinking of [themselves] as a [fucking!] brand [fer chrissakes!] and acting accordingly, in 11 years, most microwave ovens accidentally dropped off the tops of skyscrapers but miraculously missing everyone on the ground below, in 35 years, most books published with titles like Barnes and Noble Sucks!! or Oprah Winfrey Sucks!!, in 12 years, highest levels of consumer debt in the history of the world, most brutal cold-blooded murders committed by 5 year olds in the history of the world, more fucking lowlife slimeballs invading every fucking life trying to sell utterly utterly utterly worthless shit, in the history of the fucking cosmos, lowest ratio of total world Twinkies eaten to "accidental" blood baths in 20 years. And so forth...

Saffire, or whoever: Oh.

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