Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Wednesday, Jan 5, 2000

People Already Sick of New Millennium, Obviously Because of MTV
REUTERS (AP) (TEXACO) -- After only a couplea days of the so-called "new" so-called "millennium," people everywhere are apparently already streaming for the so-called "exits," of which, of course, they unfortunately can't seem to find any.

"This unwillingness to stick with the current millennium," said Dr. Hollis Mosher III of MIT, the world's leading authority on things sucking or not, and why, "is, of course, probably obviously due to their all having watched too much MTV in the preceding millennium. And probably obviously also the cause of why their grammar is also so fucked up, too."

Anyway, according to researchers at MIT and Cal Tech and Princeton and Harvard and Yale and MTV, one unfortunate feature of the new millennium is like how all you can smell in it is the stench of old damp cheap spent fireworks.

And all you can hear in it are people in the streets singing all the old unused made-up generic traditional native songs left over from the cutting room floors of trillions of old used-up generic celebrations from all over the old, used-up, generic so-called "world."

"Little balls, like cherries or something, are rolling off a table into unsuspecting people's laps and hitting them in the balls as they sit there unflinching, in the name of misanthropic humanitarianism, or humanitarian misanthropy. Whichever," said MIT Secretary of State, Rebecca Kramer.

Meanwhile, people suffering fireworks inhalation syndrome from this so-called millennium, have been stumbling in in record numbers and now litter beds in hospitals and banks and in banks inside hospitals, and hospitals inside banks, all over the world.

Proponents of the new millennium however have pointed out that instead of smelling like the stench of damp old cheap old spent fireworks, it could have smelled like the stench of a billion billion burning BIC pens lit by disgruntled pencil pushers -- and, therefore, people who are bitching about it smelling like old damp cheap old spent fireworks oughta just shut the .... etc.

On eBay, people are already auctioning off what they claim are far better millennia, as well as something totally OTHER than millennia altogether, where the highest bidder can go wait it out with lots of pot, sun, and downloaded software that, unfortunately, expires in 30 days.

Meanwhile the world also continued reeling from billions of ill-conceived contingency plans accidentally kicking-in anyway, despite their not being needed. Apparently they were unwilling to go to waste after all the billion teraflop man-hours spent in ill-conceiving them.

People with still-unfinished business in the preceding millennium could also be seen tweening backwards through transparency levels, till eventually fading out altogether.

MIT, the inventor of high resolution toilet paper, was trying to invent high-resolution flesh so it could either feel or feel at all, or both.

Slow drones across the surface of the brain ran like 2 threads in a Steinfeld Show. Or Seinfeld. Whichever.

People were putting moves on the universe at large. The kind of moves maybe a sun would put on a galaxy, but not vice versa.

"Speaking of the universe," said MIT astronomer, Drs. Rebecca Kramer, "there is a point in it where they don't have this fucking millennium. Unfortunately, or fortunately, it is the unique point where all "civilizations," totally independently of each other or of even knowing that each other exists or might exist, have chosen to rocket all their old damp cheap spent nuclear wastes."

Meanwhile world terrorist hackers continued dismantling world communications systems without anyone even noticing. This nobody noticing is apparently the only thing in this shitty new millennium that is not the fault of MTV, because it is apparently the fault of like how maybe -- surprise! -- before this, the sum total of all world communication just balanced out to in the end be -- surprise! -- really, no fucking communication at all.

Anyway, but who cares because this just in from CNN despite all the other stuff about what a piece of shit millennium this is, apparently, one thing this new millennium has going for it is that it is now possible to nonchalantly stand and talk naked to an armed police officer and not be arrested or beaten with a billy club -- at least as long as he is only looking for the lady next door, or her asshole "boyfriend" Felix who she's of course just called 911 on again.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
"As the nation approaches a new millennium, what are the most important priorities facing our next president? Saving Social Security, strengthening Medicare, and paying down the debt or implementing (Texas Gov.) George W. Bush's $1.7 trillion risky scheme to kill everybody you don't wanna fuck and then just fuck everybody who's left?"

Two Argentinians walk into a bar

Customers only buying online to make sellers lose money and die, survey finds

Silent pictures making comeback as study finds sound of Matt Damon and Gwyneth Paltrow apparently makes people puke in their popcorn

New "National" House of Pancakes challenges IHOP, promises "none of that escargot pancake bullshit"

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