Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Friday, Jan 7, 2000

Happy Anniversary, Big Bang!! or Whoever
REUTERS - (Jan 7) - When not refusing to work for the Mafia or being the toughest man in Kansas City, you can usually find him in his shot-up dojo regaling stopped-off cross-country travellers with dynamite hash and stories about how his employees have bankrupt him with long distance calls back to Japan complaining about the shitty jobs they have in America.

When he first arrived in Escondido, everybody else there had just arrived too and nobody could tell anybody where the motor vehicles department was and, without a drivers' license, everybody was eventually pulled over and had their cars taken away. Soon the streets were barren except for slow-cruising police cars and a self-limiting number of confiscated citizen cars driven by police sycophants into walls at high rates of speed, for kicks.

After a while it became apparent to him that the Supreme Court could have stepped in and stopped all this senseless waste if they would just stop bickering over law, and just merge with the NFL and then decide Roe v. Wade by what kind of field goal Sandra Day O'Connor kicks from the 40, with Ruth Bader Ginsberg holding.

But because he had apparently already used up all his Supreme Court appointments, he had to be satisfied with getting a job shilling for the new merged presidential candidate, Bush McCain. Apparently two men named Bush and McCain had merged because Bush was everything McCain thought he ought to have thought he ought to have been or wanted to be, and vice versa.

The new merged man believed unwaveringly in Y.A. Tittle as his personal saviour.

He had come stumbling out of the desert one day with the usual unbelievable tales about family and soap opera and politics and wrestling and social security and medicare and dialing for Dali or Dolly or the Dalai Lama.

He could feel from each synapse outward that, to get their revenge, all the big bangs that failed to become the world, became neurons instead in the world that eventually occurred when ONE Big Bang, in accordance with probability, you know, got lucky.

And so today, instead of going out and dropping teen-age girls off at shopping malls to pull credit card scams and then going back around 4 to pick them up only seconds before the cops showed, he went down to the office complex carved out of sandstone caves by the ocean where people went to upload their complete brains directly to the internet via sub-atomic transmitters swallowed in a soup during a ceremony that was all about how bogus and meaningless this ceremony was and let's just get our damn brains uploaded for whatever fucking reason, and get outta here.

After that there was, you know, something else that happened, and then something else happened and something else happened, and something else happened after that and then something else happened until, one day, the world, out of sloth or just too many drugs, failed to advance to the next frame and, instead, instantly snapped back to its former pre-Bang nothingness in less than a negative trillionth of a femtosecond -- or the time it takes Big John to get pissed because he gave you $20 to go out and buy some food but because Margie came along, you come back with, like, ALL Twinkies and Entenmann's, instead of like pepperoni and beef jerky.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
"Congratulations? As a Preferred Lease Equipment Card member or adult webmaster, whichever, you have been pre-qualified for at least a lease line-of-credit at Preferred rates and terms, and no pun intended!! This card makes up, hopefully, for there ever having been nothingness at all, and the knowledge that the result of receiving it today is often profound personality shifts, impaired decision-making, and loss of moral insight. "

Two Argentinians walk into an International House of Pancakes

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