Friday, January 8, 1999
Digital Convergence: Fingers Crossed, Fingers Given

Las Vegas, NV - (Jan 8) - According to industry insiders, this year's 10th or 20th or whatever annual 1999 Consumer Electronics Show at Las Vegas Nevada has, apparently, moved far beyond being just the utter fucking worthless piece of shit it was last year, and usually always is.

In fact, the theme of this year's 1999 Consumer Electronics Show, which started today or yesterday or the day before, is "hey, let's not be as much of an utter fucking worthless piece of shit show this year as we were last year."

And they have apparently succeeded at this beyond their wildest delusions.

For one thing, their theme of "hey, let's not be as much of an utter fucking worthless piece of shit show this year as we were last year," will apparently also be made into a monster hit single which will be sung, without irony, every New Years at midnight by Prince.

And, for another thing, prepaid phone card companies were allowed to roam free at the show this year, so they could circulate around the show floor and have the opportunity to talk to everybody and try to explain away how the blood was really only in your mind.

"Our very crossroads are at their own crossroads," said Sony Electronics president, Garth Register Jr., "and, therefore, any reasonable financial growth strategy in the information technologies industries had better fucking include a $100 million Canadian porno remake of "Gunsmoke" as a movie, Broadway show, and soundtrack album deal all-in-one."

The Crystal Meth Information Network was also there, offering Crystal Clear Crystal Meth communication of digital media content, and their president, the keynote speaker of the show, Rebecca Kramer, gave a moving keynote address in which she explained how "what keeps the communications industry growing is that NOBODY'S FUCKING LISTENING!!! So every message has to be repeated at least a few hundred thousand fucking times, and, at 10 cents a fucking time, that's a lotta Twinkies."

And consumer giant, What's-Their-Name, demonstrated their all new set top ox. This is, apparently, an ox that sits on top of a set or sits on a set top and only costs $999. Hopefully, in five years when the price comes down to $399, every consumer will want to have one, and then somebody will figure out how to pry the little metal slab off the back and re-program the EPROM inside to not disable obscenity anymore, and a whole new revolution will have been started.

Then, at the end of this revolution, don't worry, there'll still be an upgrade policy. This upgrade policy is a piece of shit unfortunately, yet it promises more bang for the funereal buck. So why bother?

Anyway, speaking of ending, the Consumer Electronics Show finally ended with everyone having been totally consumed by the electronics of it all, and all vowing to absolutely, definitely come back next year and definitely finally replace all the parts of themselves that you had to wind up every few minutes, with some of them new-fangled consumer electronic parts that you only had to replace the batteries of every few hours.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC