Yeltsin, Paula Jones,
Will Buy Dodgers

Moscow, Russia - (Jan 9) - Saying they'd install the new Intel MMX Chip in all their players' corpus callosi (or corpus callosums or corpora callosa, or whatever), a consortium formed by Paula Jones, Boris Yeltsin, Apple Computer, AT&T, Ice-T, the dead 6-year old beauty queen, the dead 8-year old cross-country pilot, Cokie Roberts, Polly Klaas, Heidi Fleiss, Kato Kaelin, Madeleine Albright, Texaco, Criminalist Fung, and John Perry Barlow announced today that they'd buy the Los Angeles Dodgers, and immediately move them to Waco Texas, where they'd be renamed the David Koresh-Jim Jones Dodgers Please Pass the Kool-Aid.

Secretary of State, Courtney Love, was unavailable for comment, but it was believed that a consortium consisting of her, Woody Harrelson, Madonna, Whoopi Goldberg, the Kurt Cobain Estate, the Jimi Hendrix Estate, the Janis Joplin Estate, the Smashing Pumpkins Drug Relief Fund, Atari Teenage Riot, Suck, Stim, Spiv, Wired, Archer Daniels Midland, the crew of the Mir Space Station, Slobadan Milosevic, Alberto Fujimori, Richard Jewell, the Supreme Court and Diana Ross and the Supremes, would attempt to either outbid or kill the members of the Jones-Yeltsin Consortium, in an effort to buy the Dodgers, themselves, and move the team to La Paz, Baja California, renaming it, the Baja Marimba Band and Dodgers.

Tommy Lasorda, the Boris Yeltsin of baseball, who heads a consortium consisting of Perry Farrell, Perry Como, John Perry Barlow, John Wayne Bobbit, John Wayne Gacy, John Wayne, Wayne Gretzky, Gretta Scacci, Greta Van Sustern, Van Johnson, Van Halen, Van Heflin, the people of Van Nuys California, Louis Nizer, Louie Nye, Louie Louie, Lou Reed, Donna Reed, and the Jeffrey Dahmer Estate said that his consortium was considering joining up with a consortium consisting of Steven Spielberg, Stephen King, Larry King, B.B. King, Rodney King, Don King, Don Knotts, Don Knotts Overdrive, Backman-Turner Overdrive, Ted Turner, Ted Williams, Esther Williams, William Bennett, Bennet Cerf, Vint Cerf, the UCSD Surf Team, the UCSD Supercomputing Center, the UCSD Medical Center, Medical Marijuana, and the Pope, in order to outbid or kill the Jones-Yeltsin Group and the Love-Harrelson Group.

Dodger all-star catcher, Mike Piazza, claimed he was sick of baseball and would retire this year in order to start a world-wide push media conglomerate that would endlessly ram down peoples' throats the complete works of Tom Clancy, Tom Jones, Grace Jones, Jenny Jones, Jenny McCarthy, Joe McCarthy, Andrew McCarthy, Andrew Juliani, New York Mayor Richard Juliani, Richard Simmons, Russell Simmons, Teresa Russell, and Mother Teresa and that, in this effort, he'd be partnering with Bruce Willis, Bruce Lee, Pamela Anderson Lee, Pinky Lee, Spike Lee, David Lee Roth, Davy Jones, Spike Jones, Jim Jones, Jim Belushi, John Belushi, John Foster Dulles, Allen Dulles, Steve Allen, Steven Seagal, Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, Steve Young, Sonic Youth, Bert Young, Mighty Joe Young, Joe Dimaggio, Joey Ramone, Phil Ramone, Phil Specter, Arlen Specter, the Everly Brothers and Gloria Estefan.

Gary Busey was unavailable for comment.