Friday, January 9, 1998
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Deranged Balloonists
Attempt Suicide

Truth-or-Antidisestablishmentarianism, NM - (Jan 9) - A group of deranged balloonists was found wandering somewhere in the New Mexico desert, early today. Apparently the blood flow to their brain had been contaminated by the stool of hepatitis-A, one month before starting their travel.

According to police, they were not wearing underwear, and so, obviously, must have just finished trying to kill themselves.

They were immediately handcuffed and charged with apparently staring into a large screen digital TV and telling police how if you looked really really hard into what, at first glance, appeared to be just a solid white screen, depicting, at best, a vast expanse of empty sky, if you looked way off into the distance through all the white, you could just barely start to make out a tiny pin point wafting slowly down out of the sky. And if you just all sat there, now, for several days or weeks, eventually, the pin point would get larger and larger, till it was close enough so you could plainly see all the faces of the people either dead or fucking, in the gondola of the hot air balloon, lost years or decades ago, and only now returning in a dream of a TV show of a DVD-ROM about a mailbomb that arrives and explodes 10 additional years of life into you when you open it.

Switzer Resigns!

Apparently, someone named Switzer resigned or something.

Market Crashes

Apparently, the so-called "market" crashed or something.

Religion Just A Coverup For Human Nature

The New England Journal Of Medicine, today, revealed that a 10,000 year clandestine study carried on by successive generations of Carthusian monks, has discovered that the evolution of religion is just the evolution of man's attempted coverup of the true nature of "human nature."

Cher delivered the eulogy.

Ice Storm Rocks East

An ice storm apparently has turned the East into, you know, a single sheer rock, rear-ended by a tractor trailer truck and found outrageous in a ditch.

According to the trial of the century, "This is the ice storm of the century."

Power outages and swollen creeks are screwing that reason that makeshift shelter setup in state prison.

Every river will reach or exceed flood stage today.

Universe Will Not Implode

Apparently scientists at The Union of Concerned New England Journals Of Medicine have determined beyond a reasonable doubt that the Universe will not implode when the so-called "Big Bang" runs out of so-called "steam" in the year 2000. This is apparently because the spiral motion of the galaxies apparently means that the cosmos is in a constant state of being flushed down the toilet.

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