Monday, January 11, 1999
MCI WON'T Buy AirTouch!!!!

MCI, USA - (Jan 11 ) - Motherfucking Cocksuckers Incorporated, MCI, has apparently decided, for no reason whatsoever, to ABSOLUTELY NOT buy AirTouch Communications.

AirTouch is the inventor of the Air Guitar and other "Air" products that at first glance appear to be solid matter but are, in reality, only, you know, just so much empty fucking "air."

"We will DEFINITELY NOT be buying creepy, crappy old AirTouch," said a spokesman for MCI, the inventor of the MC, and also the inventor of the DJ and the BLT. "And we have no reason whatsoever for this decision, other than reason itself."

Still considered as possible buyers of AirTouch are Bell Atlantic, the inventor of the bell, and Vodaphone PLC, the inventor of the Vodaphone PLC.

"We especially wanna buy Air Touch," said a spokesman for Bell Atlantic, "because of their proprietary technology which can turn almost anything into, you. know, just so much empty fucking 'air' but still make you think there might actually be something there."

A spokesman for Vodaphone was similarly sanguine about the future of a company like AirTouch, pointing specifically to, "like, Air Blow Jobs, which is a sure fire growth area that's just waiting for someone to come along and swallow it up whole."

AirTouch technology is based entirely on the popular Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle which states that either everything is an utter fucking load of bullshit or else everything is pure utter righteous truth or else everything is somewhere in between, but since you're never gonna be sure which, anyway, why even fucking bother?

Or else the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states that you're never really gonna be sure just what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle actually states, so, like, why even fucking even think about bothering?

Of course, Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle either aside or not, most analysts agree that there isn't anything really happening at either AirTouch or Bell Atlantic or Vodaphone PLC that hasn't already happened more powerfully, more succinctly and more effectively in either "Weekend At Bernie's" or "Weekend At Bernie's II." Or both.

According to CNN or Hustler, AirTouch is the largest provider of wire-loose or something communications in the world. Wire-loose communications is, apparently, like, if you have it, and you're talking to somebody, and you wanna pretend you didn't hear what she just said, you can just say, "What?? I didn't hear what you just said. There must be a wire loose or something." And then hang up.

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