Monday, January 12, 1998
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Survey Shows College Freshmen Bored Shitless By Boring Shitty Reality

LaLa, CA - (Jan 12) - According to a survey or something conducted by the "Why Are College Freshmen So Fucking Lazy Foundation," college freshmen or somebody are "more lazyier and more stupid and worthless than ever before and might as well just all be taken out and shot."

The annual survey was carried out on the campus of the University of California at La La Land (UCLA), and was run by a couplea surfers who came out of the water long enough to go ask a couplea freshmen a couplea questions about whether they gave a flying fuck about anything or not.

According to the results of this massive annual survey, which were released today cause the waves sucked and there was nothing better to do anyway, most college freshmen are utterly bored shitless apparently appropriately because the so-called reality they've been born into is an utter boring load of shit.

What a fucking surprise.

In fact, the survey showed that college freshmen are just so fucking lazy and so bored shitless that they're not even bothering to go out and get shit-faced and hump phone booths, anymore. Instead, they're just sitting around, smoking 16% more cigarettes and bitching about investment portfolios and/or how the data cockpit of their dreams might just not be there for them, on retirement, due to an unanticipated shortfall in the very will of technology itself.

Said one college freshman interviewed for the survey, "Huh? Lazy? What? Got a light?"

Apparently, according to the survey, college freshmen aren't even bothering to have emotions anymore. And, instead, in their spare time, they're busy re-designing and re-branding the history of the future of their lifetime jobs and cubicles and their lifetime trophy spouses, offspring, and vacations.

Though the UCLA survey showed the students to be utterly apathetic about almost everything in life, it did reveal that the one thing they most enjoyed doing was lying their asses off to losers doing bogus academic surveys.

[Oh yeah. One other thing. Uh, the survey showed that, like, college freshmen are, you know, are just so bored and lazy an apathetic an' all, that they, like, you know, frequently will start to say something or whatever but by, uhh, by the time they get through the whole opening thing to almost near the end of whatever it was they were, you know, starting to say or think or whatever, by the time they get near the end of it, they've, you know, sort of maybe misplaced whatever it was they were gonna, you know, say, or whatever, but, since they're so already whatever, it doesn't really matter the fuck that they or whoever, you know, did or didn't do whatever or not for whatever reason or not. If you know what I mean.]

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