Monday, January 13, 1997
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Clinton Dumps Albright -- Appoints Jones to State

Washington, DC - (Jan 13) - In a move which came as only a partial surprise, President Bill Clinton, today, announced he was replacing Secretary of State designate, Madeleine Albright, with political and State Department newcomer, Paula Jones. [Secretary-Designate
Jones: nuclear non-proliferation will be top priority ]

Speaking to reporters as he jogged along Pennsylvania Avenue, Clinton stated that, "Unfortunately, Madeleine Albright has been a total disaster as Secretary of State -- and she hasn't even been confirmed by Congress or sworn in yet."

Clinton pointed to numerous terrorist bombings all over the place, and the fact that countries like England, the Middle East, and Africa are all totally out of control and starting World War VI and VII on a daily basis -- and how it's all occurred on Albright's watch.

"Then there's all those stories," said Clinton, as he jogged through the snow, "About how she gets really shit-faced at Washington parties, then goes around sticking her tongue down foreign diplomats' throats, and when they try to protest, she screams at them how she's fucking Secretary of State of the whole USA and will bomb their damn ass clean off, if they so much as say, 'Boo.'"

Clinton declined to answer further questions on the Albright dismissal and, instead, chose to focus on his new appointee, whom he profiled in detail as he stopped underneath a tree, to try to remove something stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

The President, first, made it clear his decision wasn't based on any quota kinda thing. "I chose Paula Jones to be Secretary of State," he stated, "Not because of any quota kinda thing, but because Paula Corbin Jones is the best person for the job. For example, during all the time she was receptionist for De Leeuw Brothers Trucking, in Fayetteville, Arkansas, they were never once involved in any all-out thermonuclear or biological war of any kind.

"Now I know a lotta you people in the press are gonna say, 'Well, he's got a black, a hispanic, a jew, a woman, a homosexual, a WASP, and the only group that's not represented is big-haired, trailer-park white trash, and that's why he picked her, to placate that group' -- but that's just not true -- believe me -- if you look at her credentials and her track record, you'll see this is a choice based on nothing other than merit and suitability for the job.

"And, as you know, Miss Jones hits the ground running, in this job, since she's already well-acquainted with all the members of the big National Security Council -- in my pants."

Clinton added that, to make the new Secretary of State designate feel at home, he was erecting a life-size trailer park, inside the oval office. "And it might even have some big old big hair, growin' outta the top of one of the trailers," the President said.

Paula Jones is scheduled to be tried before the Supreme Court, today, for failing to give oral sex to a future President. Supreme Court Chief Justice, Lance Ito, said that, if convicted, Jones, would be sentenced to Supreme Court Prison, where'd she have to listen to old Supremes records, 24-hours a day, even while sleeping. She could, however, still serve as Secretary of State, by using email and the internet from her cell.

Jones' Attorneys, Johnny Cochran, F. Lee Bailey, Bob Shapiro, and Christopher Deardan, will present oral arguments to the court, today, about how it was OK for their client to give Clinton an argument instead of an oral.

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