Wednesday, January 14, 1998
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CBS Buys Football

Rancho Sante Fe, CA - (Jan 14) - CBS, the Coke or Crack or Coffee or Cunnilingus Broadcasting System, today, or was it yesterday, announced that they were apparently buying the game known as football.

"Our quietly desperate bean counters have done a cost-benefit analysis or something," said CBS President, Magic Jordache, "And determined that, by removing gross inefficiencies from the game, we can more than quadruple or octuple or even nonuple our initial investment, as a percentage of GDP, or on an annualized per capita basis in 1953 dollars, if you know what I mean."

"For one thing," Jordache continued, "Careful analysis reveals that there's this massive amount of energy released in every game, but the way the rules are currently structured, 99% of this energy simply goes into neutralizing itself -- with the net result being, like, ZERO. Sort of like Wired or CNET."

According to Jordache, by changing a single rule, massive new never-before-thought-of profit streams can be burst open -- like some downtown Manhattan water main during rush hour.

"Massive new never-before-thought-of profits streams can be burst open by just changing a single rule," said Jordache, licking the last few flecks of TV violence off his TV landscape last year, "Like an underground steam pipe explosion that bursts through the pavement around Wall Street."

Jordache went on to explain how, by changing a single rule,...

"By changing a single rule...," said Jordache.

Jordache explained that the rule they would change would be the rule about, you know, which way everybody runs.

"The only rule we need to change," said Jordache, "Is the one about the way everybody runs down the field. So, instead of having two teams running in opposite directions down the field, with each member of each team trying to kick the fucking shit out of each member of the so-called "opposing team," -- instead of that old-fashioned out-moded last year's tired-wired lameass boring worthless endless useless motherfucking, you know, bullshit, if you know what I mean, instead of that shit, we change the rule so that now BOTH teams run in the SAME direction down the field. And since there's, now, no other team there to try and stop them, they just keep running down the field... till they run out the door of the stadium and into the surrounding city, maybe even to the local airport where they board a plane and fly to some random city, still running all the while, so that when they get there or when they get out of the stadium and into their own local, you know, city, now, instead of pounding the fucking shit out of each other as in the old dumb boring lameass creepy wired-tired game of football, now, they join together and beat the fucking shit out of EVERYBODY ELSE, and then, if the referee's whistle still hasn't blown ending the, you know, play, then, if they haven't already done so, they get on a plane, you know, the plane they could have gotten on to begin with but because they had so much loyalty and devotion to their home town or maybe it wasn't really their hometown, but rather the hometown of their team, though, maybe it wasn't really the hometown of their team either, having only moved there, uhh here, a few weeks ago, but what the fuck -- so instead of getting on the plane to begin with, they chose to, you know, give something the fuck back to their sort of hometown and so went out and personally kicked the fucking shit out of each and every one of their local good ole boy townsfolk, though always within the rules of the game, never roughing the kicker or engaging in pass interference or offsides or illegal procedure, or illegal motion or even face mask violations," Jordache said, wiping the last few flecks of worldwide failing banks off his bottle of organism pills.

Jordache also said he was very excited about the exciting, innovative, new " Bring your gun to the Superbowl," promotion, which will begin airing this week in time for next week's or whenever's Super Bowl.

"We'll provide unlimited alcohol and crystal meth free of charge to anyone who displays a loaded hand gun at the door. And, of course, there'll be free massive steroid overdoses for EVERYONE under 14 years of age, mentally -- so, for the first time, fans will be able to genuinely empathize with the players, and so they'll be hopped up enough to be able to entertain themselves in the stands, when the two teams rush off the field at the first play, to go out and massacre their friends and neighbors nearby.

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