Wednesday, January 15, 1997
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Kaczynski Buys Mail Boxes Etc Will Only Change 2 Letters

Helena, MT - (Jan 15) - Riding the wave of recent wrongful arrest and false accusation settlements -- from Olympics bombing suspect Richard Jewell to Dallas Cowboys accused rapists Michael Irvin and Erik Williams -- wrongfully accused UNABOMBER suspect, Ted Kaczynski was, today, released from prison, either because he'd been, uh, wrongfully accused, or because the FBI had fucked things up so badly that, now, everyone just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened.

"Kaczynski should walk away from this with about $150-200 million in false arrest and libel settlements [IMAGE:
Mail Bombs Etc. Logo]   from various media, police, FBI, etc., " said an unnamed spokesman for various media, police, FBI etc., "And, in fact, already has several million sitting in a bank account, from a settlement reached just last week."

Apparently Kaczynski, using this money and his flat-rate prison internet access, has already orchestrated the leveraged buyout of several major US corporations, the most notable being the $900 million postal service franchiser, Mail Boxes Etc.

MBE, as it's called, originally made a name for itself by providing neighborhood locations where people could come to mail, like, letters and packages and things, without the fear of being gunned down in a random hail of bullets from disgruntled former Postal employees.

According to Kirk Vomit, Jr, current president of Mail Boxes Etc., "We set ourselves apart in the early days by being the first postal company that genetically tests all potential employees. Anyone possessing the gene that pre-disposes them to becoming disgruntled when fired from a shit job where people dumber and lazier than them are constantly promoted, is not hired. As a result, we average only 15 or 16 'lethal incidents' per month -- tops in the industry."

But despite these advantages, MBE now faces stiff competition, especially from young upstart companies like rival, Postal Anus, Inc., which 3 years ago introduced the popular feature of having mail slots designed to look and function exactly like, well, anuses.

To counteract this, Kaczynski claims he'll take the company in a whole new direction, but in a manner which doesn't drastically disrupt its current corporate cultural climate. He gave as example, the new name and logo.

"We'll be changing the name, of course," he said, "But we'll only change it slightly, and in a way where all our old stationery and business cards and store fronts can still be used for years to come, with only slight and very inexpensive modifications. Since we'll only be changing the "e" and the "x" to "m" and "b" respectively, we'll simply make their crossing out and pencilling in, a part of our hip, new, 90's, process-oriented logo.

"I think most people are either bored or pissed off," Kaczynski continued, "And they'd much rather send stuff from someplace called Mail Bombs Etc., than from someplace called 'The Post Office,' or 'Postal Anus.' And on the receiving end, it certainly makes opening your mail, a lot more of an 'event.'"

Kaczynski also indicated he would introduce several on-site innovations, one being a booth where would-be politicians could come to be drug and alcohol tested on the spot, " they can prove to would-be constituents that 'It's not just the alcohol talking.'"

"These same booths," said Kaczynski, "Will also double as places where our customers can wait and be entertained by police scanners playing live intercepts of sleazy cell conference calls between slimy politicos plotting how to cut each others' throats in the name of party loyalty, while our courteous and capable employees fill out the UPS book for their packages.

Kaczynski also claimed that, once he's settled down in the 92010 zip code area, he'll "...sue the living shit out of AOL. -- Not for any ideological or business reason -- but because ' everybody's doing it.' -- And, you know, I just wanna be one of the guys."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F