Friday, January 16, 1998
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OJ Confesses: Clinton Did It

LA, CA - (Jan 16) - OJ Simpson, former star of "The Simpsons," finally broke down, yesterday, and confessed to knowing who killed his ex-bitch, Nicole.

"I can't keep quiet any longer," the once and future cartoon character told an interviewer from ESPN, the Extra Steroids Please Network, "Like most people, I've been lying about the murder in order to protect the President, who's much too busy protecting our poor starving children by schmoozing Robin Williams at Camp David, and shouldn't have to be bothered with all these petty, cold-blooded, brutal murder charges."

Simpson told ESPN, the Extra Self-righteous retired Porker Network, that an extremely antsy Clinton came by his Rockingham gate, one night in June of '94, with his own trailer-park trophy bitch, Paula Jones, looking for some class action.

"He wanted to go over to Nicole's and give Faye Resnick a Bolivian necktie or something," Simpson said. "Just for kicks. Then he wanted to give Ron Goldman a partial birth abortion, if you know what I mean."

Simpson said he tried to call 911, but Paula Jones stopped him by threatening to take him to court over his showing her his cock or something.

"I told Clinton I had to go to Chicago," Simpson continued, "And suggested we just go out and chip some golf balls for a while. But Clinton said he wanted to go take a shower with Paula Jones and then they'd both fly to Chicago with me. But then the phone rang and it was Larry King."

Simpson said that King told him to go over and kill his wife cause "Things are gettin' just too fuckin' slow around here," and that's when Simpson told King about how Clinton wanted to go over and give Faye Resnick a Bolivian necktie.

Apparently, however, King told Simpson that was a totally stupid idea and wouldn't get any decent coverage, but if Clinton killed Nicole while Simpson and Paula Jones watched, that would make a good story, and in fact, had enough facets so it could be slowly released over years and years, like a 24-hour time-release cold tablet.

According to Simpson, King was skin-popping angel dust with Johnny Versace and Elton John and John Kennedy Jr. and Ruth Bader Ginsburg at the time, and he came up with the whole scenario while they were on the phone and everybody kept doing more drugs and egging him on.

"King made me promise to do the Bronco chase during his show, and said we could fill up about 3-4 years with just me and the subsequent trials," Simpson said, "And then, when that was starting to get, you know, really boring, we'd bring in the whole Clinton angle and a year after that we'd bring in the whole Paula Jones angle, which would give us maybe another 2-3 years of play on the story, and hopefully by then, we could develop some new talent who would come up with even more brutal, more absurdly stupid murders and maybe even unheard of new types of crimes and trials and even emotions."

According to Simpson, King said that, after that, he'd be retired and really didn't give a good flying fuck what happened -- though King claims it was just the drugs talking.

Simpson claimed he'd been paid $12 million for each phase of the show, as though each phase was a complete movie unto itself. "I was just an actor hired to play a part," said Simpson. "The President and Paula Jones were just innocent dupes, and Larry King was the mastermind. Larry King is the mastermind of all culture. Who do you think named Pavement and Killdozer."

According to the interviewer, OJ told him, off the record, that his brain has been replaced with a handheld artificial intelligence device, because Rupert Murdoch, Ted Turner, Bill Gates, and Sonny Bono (who's death was recently faked so he could get away from his wife and family and so Cher could get some much-needed publicity) all felt he was much too important a property to be left to the mere whim of serotonin, potassium, and acetyl cholinesterase.

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