Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Monday, Jan 17, 2000
Area Resident Witnesses Huge Flash Of Light
Area resident Hollis Mosher III reported seeing a bright flash of light early this morning as he turned his head away from frying up some lean and hearty strips of Farmer John bacon in a frying pan on the stove to glance over at the TV set on the floor in the living room, which was tuned to CNN.

"There was this bright flash of light," said Mosher, "and sparks an' shit was flyin' everywhere."

Though other area residents failed to report similar sightings, many claimed they had most likely just gotten up to take a leak or were watching A&E, or something, instead, at approximately the time Mosher reported seeing the bright flash.

County police called in to investigate have turned the matter over to FBI who have theorized that the bright flash of light may have come from an actual news story or something on CNN about a bright flash of light or about something that had a bright flash of light as part of the story.

Mosher was later hospitalized for feeling all guilty an' shit over looking away from the TV screen for 15 seconds to turn his bacon, and then having the bright flash be, like, totally gone when he looked back.

"If I hadn't had trouble turnin' 2 of them damn strips of Farmer John bacon," Mosher moaned as paramedics wheeled him away on a gurney, "none of this might never have happened."

Steve Case, owner of CNN, and Farmer John, owner of Farmer John's Food-Made-Outta-Rat-Turds Company, were both, suspiciously simultaneously, unavailable for comment.

State Department Lax In Putting Crack Pipe Back In Drawer and Hiding Stash, Report States
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - State Department security officials failed to put crack pipes back in drawers, and repeatedly failed to yank sprouting pot seeds out of the State Department carpet, the Washington Post reported Monday, quoting a critical audit by the department's inspector general.

The report, completed in September, was ordered by the Senate Select Committee on Who's Smoking Up All Our Damn Pot and Crack and Not Leaving Any For The Senate Select Committee on Intelligence in 1998, well before officials in December caught a Russian diplomat skin-popping angel dust with Ruth Bader Ginsberg in a high-level conference room on the seventh floor of the State Department.

In the report, the inspector general said that leaving rolled up paper bags and half used-up tubes of airplane glue lying around State Department halls and corridors did not make a good impression on visiting dignitaries who expect us to be using, instead, all the tons of great heroin they send us every week via clandestine CIA flights outta' Panama.

Candidates Bid on Reeking Iowa Carcass
Apparently there is gonna be some reeking Iowa carcass or something in Iowa, and all the presidential candidates wanna go see it and apparently try to win the right to drag it out of Iowa and bring it all the way back to Washington, where it can feel at home with all the other reeking carcasses.

"I am definitely looking forward to winning the reeking Iowa carcass," said Democratic-Republican candidate Bush Gore.

Apparently the reeking Iowa carcass will be auctioned off on Iowa eBay like reeking everything else and his reeking brother and the reeking horse he reeking rode in on.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
One day you'll be able to click on Tom Cruise's eye and be immediately referred to Tom Cruise's eye doctor.

Cuban boy to be cloned; original returned, US to keep copy

Florida court says US should keep original, return copy

Supreme Court says make 2 clones, return 1, keep 1, rocket original into outer space to be raised by aliens, who, as everybody knows, make better parents.

Oprah says average people at home should get to vote on precise sites where the cloning occasionally gets a nucleotide wrong.

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