Monday, January 19, 1998
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Year 2000 Bug Found In Ramsey Fingernail DNA

Jupiter City, FL - (Jan 19) - According to "SnoozeWeek" or "SchmoozeWeek" and/or "US Snooze And/Or Schmooze Report," the so-called Year 2000 Bug, has apparently been discovered in small traces of bird flu DNA, scraped from under JonBenet Ramsey's fingernail.

"I don't wanna blow the whistle on human nature or nothin'," Chief Garth Register Jr., of the Jupiter City Institutes of Health and Disease, told reporters, "But you're all still pretty far from passing even the limpest Turing test -- even one that's graded on a curve."

According to police, the ability to fool someone into thinking you're not a machine is according to police the ability to schmooze someone into thinking their local snooze-magazine, "LoseWeek."

According to a spokesman for the gunmen, who were arrested at the scene, "We aren't really in it for the money, the gossip, the power or the celebrity status. We're only in it, in order to provide a new hi-tech form of cheap, legal incest, for the masses, or, at the very least, a cheap, legal, endless stream of commercial entertainment transactions between consenting adulterers."

The "SnoozeWeek" or "SchmoozeWeek" or "LoseWeek" article also claims that when the DNA found under JonBenet Ramsey's fingernail was smeared on a 366 MHz Pentium II processor, and the processor was plugged into a random wall socket, it immediately dumped all its internal ASCII which, when read aloud to groups of fabricated students posing as bots, or bots posing as fabricated students, made it pretty clear that the current fix for the Year 2000 Bug wouldn't work at all in the year 2001.

So then what?

Well, according to CNN, everyone knows that, according to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, or whatever, there is no possible fix for the year 2001 bug, and so all life will have to cease at that time.

Even now, according to "SnoozeWeek," peoples' lives are already slowly starting to flash before them, but over an extended period of time, so they hardly notice it and don't yet realize it's the official lead-in to the 2001 End-Of-The-World Spectaculathon.

Well, fortunately, according to CNN, Gary Lockwood and Keir Dullea have offered to fly the population of the planet to Jupiter in the new sperm-shaped space craft they've been designing in their garage with Stanley Kubrick. The ship will be powered by the energy pending from the long-predicted accidental release of JonBenet Ramsey's angelic celestial airbag.

According to either Walt Disney or "The New York Times," there is concrete evidence that JonBenet was sent here by forces from other dimensions to help ease us into, you know, this sorta post-millennial, post-post-modern, high-tech/lo-tech, post-asshole golden age where so-called SchmoozeMagazines like "BluesWeek," will try to cobble together a minute-by-minute drug high out of a lesbian claymation of the plane crash between the plane carrying the Spice Girls and Bill Gates and the plane carrying Hanson and Larry Ellison, where there were no survivors and no remains but somehow an overriding belief that, somehow, the DNA and bodyparts of the Spice Girls, Bill Gates, Hanson, and Larry Ellison are now all mysteriously and inextricably intertwined in a whole new being, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are dedicated to the proposition.

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