Monday, January 20, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Clinton Knocks 'Em Dead With New Inaugural Dress

Washington, D.C.- (Jan 20) - President Clinton tried on his new inaugural dress, today, and liked it so much, he invited all his close personal friends to come on over to the White House and check it out -- and then, when they were all there, he made a little speech about how much he liked it.

"I know a lot of people thought I'd be wearing britches into the 21st century," the President began, alluding to his cloying campaign promise of 'sewing a pair of britches big enough to fit the 21st century,' "But, this morning, when Erskine Bowles delivered my Inaugural dress, I, like, you know, had, like, a dream. [IMAGE:
Clinton: feels like a new man, in new dress]

"And in this dream, I saw all America's children, black, white, brown, orange and green, and they were all, like, wearing dresses, just like mine."

According, however, to Presidential advisor, Dick Morris, "The President didn't really have a dream. That was just, like, a metaphor. What the President really had was, like, a poll I did, late last night, showing how he'd gain 2.5 rating point on the popularity charts, if he started parading around in, like, drag and talking about balanced color schemes and hemline reform, rather than balanced budgets and welfare reform."

The Inaugural dress was painstakingly designed and sewn by first lady Hillary Clinton, out of legal US Government-grown hemp, medical marijuana, and obscene Christmas tree ornaments leftover from last year's White House holiday celebration.

In attendance at the Inaugural dress gala, was a diverse collection of the President's closest and most diverse personal friends, including Whoopi Goldberg, Whoopi Gonzalez, Whoopi Brown, Whoopi O'Brien, Whoopi Corleone, Whoopi Chung, Whoopi Witkowski, and Kenny G.

In the speech, Clinton, smirking like a motherfucker, claimed he was simply following in the footsteps of other great Americans who'd also worn dresses: Dennis Rodman, Howard Stern, RuPaul, J. Edgar Hoover, and David Bowie.

"And of course," the President added, "Let's not forget one of the coolest dresses of all time, Lincoln's Gettysburg dress."

Many of his Republican opponents were quick to point out that the President's wearing of the Inaugural dress was simply, "...just one more career move, in a career built out of a long series of career moves."

Though many people thought Clinton's new Inaugural dress was nice, a number of anonymous sources claimed they much preferred his State of the Union dress.

To show solidarity with the President's new sartorial policies, first lady Hillary Clinton, and first daughter, Chelsea Clinton, also wore dresses.

Mother, Singer, Actress, Scholar, Author, Statesman, and multi-Golden Globe winner, Madonna, admitted that, despite her continued support for Mussolini and Gerneralissimo Francisco Franco, she was still "really impressed by Clinton's cleavage."

Though many newsmen and pundits praised the President's move, a few cynics were quick to observe that the President was really only wearing the new Inaugural dress as an excuse to wear his new, Inaugural crotchless panties.

[ FRIDAY  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F