Santa Monica, CA - (Jan 21) - The OJ Simpson Civil trial took a bizarre twist this morning, on the day when lawyers for the plaintiffs, or, you know, the people pissed at OJ for, like, brutally murdering their progeny, were scheduled to begin their summations.
Instead, OJ's lawyers began the morning by requesting a suspension of the proceedings so their client could move forward with his own wrongful death suit against America Online, the nation's largest provider of internet services and child pornography.
According to OJ's attorney, Baker or Barker or somebody, "The night of the murder of OJ's ex-wife, OJ had feverishly tried to prevent it from happening, but because of the incredibly shitty service provided by AOL, and the fact that they don't give a flaming fuck about their users and are merely the extension of Steve Case's smarmy, power-hungry ego, OJ was unsuccessful."
Though Baker or Barker or whoever refused to comment further, later in the morning, OJ appeared outside the grounds of his Rockingham estate or whatever, and spoke to reporters.
"I've kept quiet about this long enough," the ex-football star began, "In order to try to protect some people, but recent events in the news have forced me to consider a new course.
"The night of the murder," OJ continued, "I had received an email from my then bitch, Paula Barbieri, saying that Nicole was screwing around and was gonna have to pay for it. I wasn't sure what she meant, right off, but, see, Paula, had this sort of woman's group thing of, like, drug-crazed lesbian sex-banshees or whatever, consisting of herself, Paula Abdul, Paula Jones, and Ru Paul. And, like, for kicks, sometimes, they'd do a lot of angel dust, and then go out and rob and murder and rape and pillage, or whatever, and then write novels about it under assumed names and make lots of money off the royalties so they could buy more, stronger drugs which drove them to ever more bizarre forms of, you know, drug-crazed, lesbian sex-banshee-type acting out, kinda thing.
"So, like," OJ continued, "Once I figured out what was going on, I feverishly started writing e-mails to Paula Barbieri and the others, saying that, whatever Nicole did was totally cool with me and so they shouldn't go do any bullshit on her.
"Well, first, I couldn't get online. I just kept getting busy signals. After about half an hour I finally got on and tried to send the email, but somehow the system trashed it. I re-wrote the email and tried again, but this time I got disconnected. I kept trying, and was so engrossed, that I didn't even hear the limo driver, what's his name, when he buzzed my intercom the first time. Eventually though, I heard him and hadda get ready and leave for Chicago. And the rest is history.
"It's pretty clear to me -- and to Bill Gates -- that if I just could've sent that email, Paula Barbieri would've called the whole thing off, and Nicole would still be alive today. It's all that money-grubbing Steve Case's fault. He killed Nicole. His fucking AOL killed Nicole."
When asked by a savvy reporter why he hadn't just, like, called Paula Barbieri or Paula Abdul or Paula Jones or Ru Paul on, like, the phone, Simpson replied that his phone was, like, in the Bronco, which he'd lent to Kato to go secretly meet with JonBenet Ramsey. "I think they were negotiating some film or TV deal," Simpson said.
In a related story, Steve Case, sick of being sued himself, is, today, bringing suit against the Pope -- that guy that rides around in the Pope-mobile.
According to the brief or whatever you call it, it was the Pope, himself, who personally advised Case to go to a $19.95 flat-rate pricing model and to do a major promotional push, adding 1.5 million subscribers in a 2-week period -- which ultimately led to the massive delays leading to all the massive lawsuits now being filed, almost hourly, against AOL.
According to the document, Case claims, "The Pope told me that if I didn't immediately go to flat-rate pricing, he'd excommunicate the fuck out of me."
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