Wednesday, January 21, 1998
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So-Called "Pope" Goes To So-called "Cuba"

Havana, CU - (Jan 21) - Apparently there's this guy, who, like Chevy Chase, Harrison Ford, and the Denver Broncos, is named after his car. And, apparently, this guy who's named after his car, has suddenly become all flavor-of-the-month 'cause he's gonna' visit some country that's named after Cuba Gooding Jr.

The car the guy is named after is, of course, the so-called "Pope-mobile," and the guy is, of course, the so-called "Pope."

So, anyway, according to CNN or the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, or whatever, the so-called "Pope" arrived today, in so-called "Cuba."

Unfortunately, the Pope's message of love and peace and truth and beauty and honesty and trust and justice and reconciliation had to be postponed so he could watch the breaking news of the latest botched White House sex scandal coverup on CNN.

According to a so-called "source" close to the so-called "Pope," his M & M's just loves a good botched sex scandal coverup and would travel anywhere just to be in one, or, if he got there too late, would still wanna be there, just to chastise the slimeball participants for bein', you know, such slimeballs, an' all, and not waiting for him to show up, before they started.

During the commercial break, the "Pope" went out on the balcony and addressed the assembled masses of Cuba Gooding Jr. fans, on the truth and beauty and goodness and justice and peace and sanctity and bliss of a good ole fashioned White House sex scandal coverup.

"You know," said the Pope, speaking extemporaneously, flecks of crystal meth, clinging precariously to his papacy, "Whether or not I coulda' been a, ya' know, contender or not, I will still always love the smell of a good White House Sex Scandal coverup in the morning. Unless, of course, they call it a 'Royale With Cheese' in Paris."

As the Pope was speaking, however, he was handed a piece of breaking news by Christiane, of all people, Amanpour of CNN, and asked to read it aloud to the world, while his name, title, etc. were holographically chironed in under his image, at podium level.

"I have this breaking news," the Pope told the assembled masses, as the CNN "sex scandal" theme music went on in the background, competing for control of the air with the Fox Network "coverup" song, both performed in the streets by hastily assembled local pickup bands running off small portable generators.

"Apparently," the Pope told the assembled masses, "Clinton has been totally and absolutely cleared of all White House sex scandal coverups and allegations based on hidden recorder audio tape recordings of a White House intern supposedly bragging about doing, you know, it, as it were, in the oval office, like right on of the desk where Reagan thought up the Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburgh Address, though, of course, all the phones and appointment books and pens and blotters and pending legislation had been swept off first with one mighty presidential arm-sweep just like in the movies, and covered, for the sake of propriety, with the respective national flags of Libya and Iraq, stored, apparently for just such eventuality, in a cabinet behind the desk."

"But it turns out," the Pope continued, slowly releasing and re-inhaling a massive bong hit as he spoke, "On a second listening to the tape -- and especially if you're not already previously distracted by being bent over giggling your ass off cause someone said 'cunnilingus' or 'acetyl cholinesterase,' -- on a second, closer listening, it becomes clear that what the intern is really bragging about is NOT how she's, like, fucking the President, at all -- but, rather, like, how she's the only intern in the White House who isn't fucking President Toast on the hastily cleared-off oval office desk where Ronald Reagan invented the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. -- Case closed!"

Later, the Pope was joined on the balcony by the Israeli Prime Minister who's named after a search engine.

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