Cohen Gets All Defensive

Washington, DC - (Jan 22) - Former Senator William Cohen of Maine, appeared before the Senate Armed Services Committee, today, to begin the process of his confirmation as Secretary of Defensiveness.

Below is the transcript of this mornings hearings.

Chairman Strom Thurmond: Now Senator Cohen, my staff informs me that you've written one of them novel things. A book, or something, about spies or something. Is that true?

Cohen: Senator, I can assure you that the 90 year old, bumbling, ignorant, incontinent, bigoted, slimebag, racist, fascist Senator depicted in my novels is in no way modeled on yourself, Sir. It was a total fabrication.

Thurmond: What was that.

Cohen (screaming): I said, Senator, that I've never called you a cocksucking, motherfucking, asshole in my fucking life.

Thurmond: Oh. OK. Now Mr. Cohen, I understand you're, like, one of them Jew boys, that have caused us so much trouble over the years. Is that true?

Cohen: Senator, I can state categorically that I had absolutely nothing to do with the death of Christ. In fact, if you check the records, you'll find that, unlike yourself, I wasn't even around at the time.

Thurmond: What was that?

Cohen: (screaming): No Senator, I'm not a flaming Kike. I'm a flaming Unitarian.

Thurmond: Well, fuck you too, Senator. I have no further questions. -- Senator Warner.

Warner: Thank you, Senator Thurmond.

Thurmond: What?

[A staff member whispers something into Thurmond's hearing horn.]

Thurmond: Well, fuck you too, Senator.

Warner: Now, Mr. Cohen, in your second novel, you state that .....

Cohen: Senator Warner, I can assure you that the pompous, bloated, fool of a Senator who had to kill his opponent in a rigged plane crash in order to get appointed to the Senate, and whose ignorance is renown on capital hill, and who was briefly married to an overweight, aging buffoon of a fading movie star, is in no way modeled on yourself, Sir. It's purely a product of my fertile, Unitarian, imagination.

Warner: Thank you for being so honest and forthcoming. I have no further questions.

Thurmond: What? Oh. OK. -- Senator Chappaquidik... uh, I mean Senator Kennedy.

Kennedy: Thank you, Senator Spermbank.

Thurmond: What?

Kennedy: Now Senator Cohen, as a fellow Yankee...

Cohen: Senator Kennedy, I can assure you that the overweight, drunken, randy, murdering, dumb, Senator who walks around with his pants down around his ankles, hitting on every chick in sight, is in no way modeled on yourself, Sir. As you're no doubt aware, coming from the aristocratic, drug-running background you come from, Senator, novels are acts of artistic creation, and are only valuable when they are pure acts of imagination, unrelated to anything in the real world.

Thurmond: Senator McMuffin -- uhh -- I mean Senator McCain.

McCain: Now Senator, I'd like to talk about Bosnia.

Cohen: Senator, I can assure you I did not start the war in Bosnia, nor did I ever contribute to keeping it going.

McCain: Thank you Senator, but I never thought you did.

Cohen: Thank you for your confidence, Senator.

Thurmond: What's that about incontinence?