Friday, January 22, 1999
New Plane Can Bomb Stone Age Back To Present

Truth-or-Politics, NM - (Jan 22) - RJR Nabisco has apparently developed a prototype airplane that can travel in Time and drop bombs on the past and future.

"The plane," said Ralph J. Nabisco, CEO of RJR Nabisco, "is capable of carrying bombs of up to 20 tons, and can travel up to 200 years into the past without re-fueling.

The plane is based on the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which states that the more certain someone sounds, the more likely they are to not have the least fucking idea what the fuck they're talking about.

The plane, nicknamed "the plane" is constructed entirely out of Ritz Crackers and uses a special fuel made out of dried-out Triscuits and Kraft Mayonnaise.

This special fuel requires a special ignition procedure involving 100,000 packs of Lucky Strikes arranged in a precise pattern as stipulated in the 2nd or 3rd Law of Thermodynamics.

"It's the Kraft Mayonnaise," said Nabisco, "that contains the actual Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle particles that allow a Ritz Cracker-bodied plane to move effortlessly through Time. If you used, like, Ovaltine or Wesson Oil, the plane would move very clunkily through Time and would probably, at best, miss its target by a couplea mythical man-months or so. And then where would civilization be?"

The plane's 20-ton bombs must also, apparently, be specially designed to be able to function in the historical past, when man had not yet realized what a fucking asshole he is.

"The bombs," said Nabisco, "are made from 2-year out-of-date boxes of Aunt Jemima Buttermilk Pancake Mix, formed into clumps by the addition of a can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup, and a can of Progresso Beef Broth. The detonators must be made out of Philadelphia Brand Cream Cheese."

The plane is apparently protected from the heat of changing time by a thin layer of Goulden's Mustard, painted over the surface. Without this protection, the plane would apperently crash entirely outside of Time -- from whence, as everyone knows, there is no return.


Recent polls show that calling bullshit bullshit may no longer be bullshit. For awhile, most polls claimed that it was pretty much considered bullshit if you went out and called bullshit bullshit because everybody was already calling pretty much everything bullshit anyway. But the recent polls seem to indicate that, slowly, people are learning that when bullshit is not called bullshit and, in fact, NOTHING is called bullshit, then everything is simply assumed to be bullshit and nothing is considered to be NOT bullshit. So that when something that actually is NOT bullshit comes along, it will be assumed to be bullshit anyway and if it is ever to be considered NOT bullshit, then there must be an end to it being bullshit to call bullshit bullshit.

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