Thursday, January 23, 1997
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El Cajones, CA - (Jan 23) - Albright swears in: Madeleine Albright was sworn in today as the first woman Secretary of State in the nation's history. Following the swearing in ceremonies, Ms. Albright spoke to the press and announced that she'd just, moments ago, launched all out nuclear strikes against Mexico and Canada, and that tomorrow, she'd be doing England, Germany, France and all of South America, and next week would be China, Russia and Iran. "What's the point of having all these expensive high-tech nuclear weapons if you're not gonna use them," she whined. President Clinton, who was hopping around, red- faced with pain, clutching his balls and gasping for breath, was unavailable for comment.

[IMAGE: ]   Redford Showers Madonna With Award: Singer, Actress, Scholar, Star, Pop Diva, Whore, Mother, Slimebucket, Authoress, Creep and all around piece of culture smegma, Madonna Ciccone, was awarded the prestigious Golden Shower Award at the prestigious Scumdance Flim Festival in Old Fart City, Utah. The Prestigious Scumdance Flim festival is the premier venue for converting well-placed blowjobs into 7-figure distribution deals for limp, saccharine, celluloid goop, and was founded by actor Robert Redford, as a way to prove that he's not just a has-been actor, but also a committed, sanctimonious, dickhead.

Superbowl cancelled: This Sunday's Superbowl was cancelled early this morning when it was determined by top US geologists that there was absolutely no possibility of an earthquake occurring at any time during the game. According to a spokesman for the Superbowl product, "Ever since the '89 World Series in Oakland, the possibility of an earthquake is pretty much the only reason people come to these big championship sports events anymore, or even watch 'em on TV. Once word gets out that there's no chance for a quake or a terrorist blimp attack, nobody shows up." An unofficial spokesman for the Superbowl industry, speaking off the record, also gave as a reason, the crash, early this morning, of the C-130 transport, carrying the $15.7 million worth of amphetamines, steroids, angel dust, and peyote, allotted for the game.

Ocarina, Parameter-Z, partner to ease ramming it down-your-throat: The new ram-it-down-your-fucking-throat technology, the savior of the internet, got a boost today, when Ocarina Systems of Sunnyvale, CA announced it would be licensing its Glockenspiel technology and its Kazoo scripting environment to Parameter-Z Technologies of National City, California, for use in its "Liquid Filth" browser, and its "Liquid Plutonium" authoring system, which would thereby greatly ease the burden of multi-media designers in having something to be creeped out about, while they try to figure out just what the fuck they're doing with new media. And why. According to Ocarina CEO, Lemme Caution, "We're calling this random convergence of software cross-licensing agreements, a 'partnering,' mainly cause we wanna be able to use the word 'partnering,' over and over again in our goofy-sounding PR. Partnering. Partnering. Partnering. Partnering. Partnering."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F