Friday, January 23, 1998
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Finally!! Somebody In Washington DC Gets Laid!!

Washington, DC - (Jan 23) According to a breaking news story from either Matt Drudge or Ted Nugent, someone in Washington DC has, apparently, gotten laid!!!

According to Washington Mayor Marion Barry, no one had really, you know, bothered getting laid in Washington DC for many years, now, and it's probably a very good thing that someone finally has.

"I think it is a very good and positive thing," said Mayor Barry, "That someone in this town has finally bothered to get it together to finally bother getting laid, and I salute this person."

Later, off the record, Mayor Barry hinted that he thought the person who had gotten laid was in fact either the President of the United States, or someone called "Schmucko," or both -- which he thought was, you know, as it should be.

Both the President and "Schmucko", however, were unavailable for comment, and were both said to be busy collecting their thoughts and staring wistfully into the sun through rare 17th century east Asian miniature kaleidoscopes.

Intern Apparently Has "Sex"

According to a spokesman for the Union of Concerned Interns, an intern has apparently actually had so-called "sex" with a higher-up on the so-called "food chain."

"We are still verifying and re-verifying everything," the spokesman stated, "Because we know this goes against all intuition, all logic, and all history, and so we want to be absolutely positive -- but right now, I'd have to say it'd be not undishonest of me not to say that I'm not unoptimistic in the least."

The spokesman however cautioned that a time-consuming verification process is an absolute necessity in these matters, since all interns have been well-trained at intern school in the art of concocting complex tales of illicit and perverse sex with higher-ups on the food chain, in order to be able to entertain each other with these stories, during the long, boring, waiting periods in between work, and nightly sexual trysts with local trailer trash.

However a spokesman for the Union of Concerned Higher-Ups in the Food Chain stated that "If 'intern' is NOT to 'fucking,' as 'cigarette' is to 'smoking,' then I'll eat my Food Chain membership card."

However, a spokesperson for the Union of Concerned Wrongly Accused Liars About Fucking Interns insisted that not only is 'intern' NOT to 'fucking' as 'cigarette' is to 'smoking,'-- but 'denying it' is to 'NOT fucking an intern', as 'smoking a cigarette' is to NOT 'skin popping angel dust,' or, for that matter, 'doing 48-hour intravenous LSD.'

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