Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Monday, Jan 24, 2000
Whoops, Distracted "Fans" Accidentally Miss Whole Fuckin' Superbowl
REUTERS - (Green Babe, WI) - Football fans attending last night's invitation-only sneak Superbowl between the Green Babe Packers and the Detroit Pistons of Love, were also subsequently inducted into the Sports Fans Hall of Fame, early this morning, on account of they all somehow totally accidentally ignored the whole fucking game, and no one actually saw it or remembers a damn thing about it or knows who won, or who played, or even why.

Despite this, though, apparently the show went on and, eventually the players started killing and/or fucking each other just to try to get some damn, you know, "eyeballs" or something.

But the fans must have been all fucked up or someone must have traduced them, or something, cause they continued to appear to not give a flaming flying fuck. No pun intended, of course, and vice versa.

In the end, despite everybody having been killed in it, the game wound up not having existed at all -- because of the famous reason about how if a tree falls in the woods or if Oliver Stone makes a film about it etc. etc...

Anyway, according to Nixon or the CIA, the fans didn't intentionally ignore the Superbowl, they just somehow, accidentally seem to have gotten totally engrossed, instead, in, like, keeping this little tiny single small red balloon continually aloft in the stadium, as it wafted slowly around propelled for endless millions of total miles by their outstretched fingers.

And, apparently, according to researchers at, uh, Harvard University, people not totally fixated on the balloon weren't watching the game either because, instead, they were all deeply engrossed in the act of filing down their nails -- so as not to be the unlucky one who accidentally popped reality.

Iowa Carcass Goers Accidently Give Golden Showers
Apparently it was all just one big mix-up or else someone must have traduced the so-called Iowa Carcass today, as, like, all the carcass-goers somehow wound up selecting the winners of the annual Golden Shower Awards instead.

The Golden Showers, normally selected by reporters from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, were awarded last night in a ceremony at the International House of Ceremonies and Pancakes.

The purpose of the Golden Shower Awards is to try to pretend that some films are not the total utter fucking worthless pieces of shit that all other films are and so therefore, make it look like maybe the other films also aren't such utter fucking worthless pieces of shit either, since the films that win the awards aren't really all that fucking much better pieces of shit either, now aren't or are they.

This may have been the reason that when the Iowa Carcass goers went into some room or someplace to vote for one of their creepy-ass "presidential" candidates, they actually wound up in some other room instead, where, via maybe some advanced Heisenberg-DNA-genome thingie or whatever, they were actually selecting the winners of the annual Golden Shower Awards.

The reason this may have been the reason why is like because, just like it is with the Golden Showers, the purpose of the Iowa Carcass is to try to pretend that some politicians are not the utter fucking worthless slimeball asshole disingenuous, hypocritical, sanctimonious pieces of shit that everybody knows they are, so that then people will have to think that, hey, maybe some of the others aren't too.

Anyway, when the votes were tallied, all the Golden Showers were awarded to Gwyneth Paltrow, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, for whatever.

Also, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow won the Golden Showers lifetime achievement awards, just in case the world ends between now and 50 years from now when they will no doubt be deservedly awarded their lifetime achievement awards anyway, so why not just get it the fuck over with now and move on?

Which was also the theme of this year's Golden Showers and/or Iowa Carcass or whatever, or both. Or, of course, vice versa.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
The inventors of the Golden Shower awards received a Golden Shower award for Best Invention of a Shower Award, Golden or otherwise, at last nights Golden Shower Awards Ceremony

Those wacky foreigners, at it again.

Those wacky lawyers and paralegals, at it again.

Those wacky athletes, at it again.

Those wacky celebrities and para-celebrities, at it again.

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