Monday, January 25, 1999
Top Celebs Receive Golden Showers

Truth-or-Celebrity, CA - (Jan 25) - Director Steven Spielberg received a Best Director Golden Shower, Sunday night for his S&L Scandal epic "Privatizing Ryan's Savings," in yet another gala Hollywood display of dumb, raw, celebrity power, the Golden Shower Awards.

In his acceptance speech, Spielberg apparently said something, but, apparently, nobody heard what it was cause everybody had their fingers in their ears and were all going, like, "La la la la la la la la la...." whenever he spoke.

The Golden Shower for The Best Actor Named Dylan was given to some actor named Dylan McSomebody or other. In his acceptance speech, Dylan McWhoever thanked his publicists and the crew of whatever show he's on. Then he thanked his wife and daughter, who, apparently, are the same person.

Of course, once Dylan McWhoever had received his Golden Shower, that kinda muddied the golden waters, if ya know what I mean, as the next award was for the Best TV Show Named After Somebody Named McSomebody -- which made it start to look like, you know, if you weren't a fuckin' McSomebody, then maybe all you could ever hope to be was just a fuckin' McNobody.

But being all just a buncha troopers who have gone through the hard knocks of rejection and despair and drug abuse and broken marriages and lies and back-biting and screwing your neighbor and hypocrisy and profound disingenuousness up the wazoo and having been up and down any number of times and having still come out clean and charming and still able to get it up, all the way up, and be both funny and poignant, on demand, and sometimes without even trying, the collected select celebs were able to make the show just must keep going the fuck on and on.

So the show must went on and the Golden Shower for the Best Show Named After Somebody Named McSomebody or Other was given to the show called "What's Her Name McSomebody or Other."

In her acceptance speech, What's Her Name, the star of "What's Her Name McSomebody or Other," thanked her CPA and gynecologist, who are, apparently, the same person.

Former President Harry Truman or somebody received a Golden Shower for walking around all the time with one of those 360 degree panoramic video cameras attached to his head and then getting Nixon and Kennedy to edit down the 360 degree tapes of this into a 3 hour film called "It's Got 'Shakespeare' In the Title, So It HAS TO Win, Ya Buncha Phoney Shitbags!!"

Jack Nicholson, of course, won the special annual Jack Nicholson Award for the actor or actress who most looks and sounds and walks and talks and acts just like, you know, Jack Nicholson.

The Golden Shower Awards Ceremony show was carried by all 6 broadcast networks and all cable channels and both CSPANs, reflecting how far Golden Showers have come in prestige and how much everybody either wants one, or wants to see somebody else get one.

The Golden Showers, "given out" by the Hollywood Space Aliens Association, are traditionally seen as a precursor to immediately going on 3-year coke binges ending in spousal abuse and murder but then, miraculously, turning into a miraculous Scientology- or Moonie-fuelled comeback and another Golden Shower award either for being the biggest utter comeback of the year, or for being the biggest utter scumbag of the year. Or both.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC