Monday, January 27, 1997
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Porkers Beat Porkers By Score

New Orleans, LA - (Jan 27) - In a game marred by the absence of earthquakes, tidal waves, floods, accidental tactical thermonuclear detonations, and random automatic weapons fire from the stands, the Green Babe Porkers, defeated the Nude English Potsmokers by a score which is still being calculated (by 256 Intel MMX chips connected in parallel aboard the Archer Daniels Midland Blimp), to win this year's annual Stupor Blow, which was rated XXXI for Obscenity, Violence, Adult Situations, and generally Insipid Behavior.

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Though the game wasn't marred by action or excitement, the commercials were marred by constant interruptions from a bunch of assholes running up and down the field, screaming, throwing pineapples, trying to break each others' fucking heads open, and high-fiving each other in the groin for no apparent reason.

In between plays, as part of their product placement advertising, representatives of the Digital Equipment Corporation (DEC) came out on the field and tried to give the players either Digital rectal exams, or the Turing Test.

The object of the Stupor Blow is to fill the tiny spaces between capitalism's wretched puke-acts by getting a bunch of porkers to dive into deep piles of feces from a wide variety of endangered species. The porkers must then search the muck for hundred dollar bills, lick them clean, and show them to Tom Cruise (seated in the stands with wife, Brooke Shields, and daughter, JonBenet Ramsey), so that the people watching at home might more fully understand what life at the top is really all about.

Meanwhile, the viewing audience at home, composed, by definition, of nothing but pathetic losers, must limply simulate the play onscreen by using small, thin, roundish objects to scoop up a thick, brown-colored goop, and then try hard not to cringe as they chew and swallow, in order to more fully understand what life in the middle is all about.

The object of the Stupor Blow is to try to use up America's vast surplus of steroids, amphetamines, and testosterone, in under 4 hours, one day, while 3 pompous, hasbeen pork-casters use up their last mutual fucking brain cell pontificating about it all -- and everybody else just gets royally shit-faced so they don't have to listen to their banal crap.

"In the end," said Stupor Blow MVPs (Most Valuable Porkers) Bishop Desmond Tutu and Moe, Shemp, and Curly Joe Howard, "It's just a game, so go fuck yourselves."

The object of the Stupor Blow is to see who can have the most deja vus all over again. And to not be over until it's overt.

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