Tuesday, January 27, 1998
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The Manchurian Date

Portland, OR - (Jan 27) - Reliable sources at Lewis and Clark University in Portland, Oregon, have informed The Washington Pissed that, in 1993, then psychology major Monica Lewinsky underwent a semester-long mind control experiment as part of a seminar in the Psychology of Manipulation.

According to the sources, each member of the seminar was hypnotically implanted with a different fixed idea about themselves, without knowing precisely what it was. The purpose was to allow each student to watch the implanted ideas play out in the personalities of the others, over the course of the seminar.

Apparently, Lewinsky had been implanted with the idea that she would fall in love with and marry the President of the United States.

According to the sources, though Lewinsky received an A in the course, apparently she was absent for the final session -- you know, the one where the implanted suggestions were removed.

Lewinsky Forgery Alleged

Sources at Lewis and Clark University in Portland Oregon, have provided The Washington Pissed with the only copy of a letter ostensibly forged by Monica Lewinsky.

The letter, ostensibly written by Monica's wealthy celebrity-author mother, Marcia Lewis, requests that Monica be excused from the final session of her Psychology of Manipulation seminar because, "she has a cold and a sore throat."

However, an analysis of the handwriting, done using MS Handwriting Analyst 97, indicates the letter was actually written by Monica herself, though she was clearly not in control of her own will at the time.

Further, based on various Freudian and Jungian slips contained in the letter, Analyzer 97 indicates that the real reason the author of the letter missed her Psych class was NOT because she had a cold and a sore throat, but, rather, so she could, ostensibly, go have oral sex with her 40-year-old former drama teacher.

Matt Drudge: Moonie Stooge?

According to sources at Lewis and Clark University in Portland Oregon, the internet gossip columnist now known as "Matt Drudge," spent more than a year hanging around the Lewis and Clark campus as a recruiter for Reverend Moon's Unification Church (known as the "Moonies,") during the early '90's, overlapping the period when Monica Lewinsky was an undergraduate there.

The sources further claim Drudge sat in on the same Psychology of Manipulation seminar as Lewinsky, and underwent the same hypnotic suggestion.

Reliable sources in the New York publishing industry, also inform us that Lucienne Goldberg, the right-wing "book agent" responsible for the Linda Tripp tapes, is actually the illegitimate mother of Matt Drudge and the source of funding for his Drudge Report "website," which, surprise surprise, just happened to be perfectly positioned to break the Lewinsky story when the "straight media" balked. The funding was apparently moved through various "Moonie" front organizations to obscure its real origin.

According to Oregon sources, Drudge was also "friendly" with Lewinsky's drama teacher, and while the teacher denies having had oral sex with Monica Lewinsky on the day she missed the final session of her Psych of Manipulation seminar, he does admit spending the day, having oral sex with Matt Drudge.

Though the Reverend Moon could not be reached for comment, a spokesman claimed the Reverend thought it was "real cool" that the Comeback Kid, would, in part, be brought down by the Scumbag Kid.

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