Wednesday, January 27, 1999
Courageous Congress Impeaches Pot-Smoking Pope

St Louis, MO - (Jan 27) - Popular avuncular Congressman Henry Hyde announced today that, in order to courageously and righteously defend democracy and justice and the constitution and the Bible and the National Anthem and the 23rd Psalm, Congress had courageously voted to impeach Pope John-Paul II, "on account of he is obviously just a pot-smoking, draft-dodging, long-haired, 60's hippie and should therefore be impeached."

The Pope was in St. Louis, at the time, setting up for some kind of 60's hippie rock concert or something and, despite adamantly denying he was high on LSD and pot and heroin and cocaine, was promptly arrested and sent to San Quentin to be cavity-searched by courageous citizen-journalist, Matt Drudge.

"Like," said Hyde, courageously defending truth and justice and the constitution and the Bible and the Star Spangled Banner, "first of all, he's always going around talking about Peace and Love, Peace and Love, Peace and Love. Now where have I heard that before? I don't know about you, but that sure sounds like a pot-smoking, draft-dodging, sex-maniac, rock-n-roll, LSD taking, Satan-worshipping, Charles Manson 60's hippie to me. And if he's not immediately impeached, who knows how many more people he'll kill."

"And he always," interjected courageous, no-nonsense, freedom-loving, hair-restoring Congressman Rogaine, "wears that big hat and that long robe -- for no reason at all -- except, obviously, the real reason is he's just using them to hide his long hair and bell-bottoms and tie-dyed shirts. And, besides, you can tell by the way he walks around that he's, like, always stoned or something or like he's taken too much acid and has to be helped to get around cause he's so stoned he doesn't even know where he's going. So obviously he has to be impeached immediately or else he'll bump into something and knock it over. Maybe an expensive antique lamp or clock."

"And he drives around," interjected courageous loyal honest Congressman Bob Barr "in that weird modified VW van or something that he obviously welded together out of pieces of old VW bugs and Dodge Power Wagons. Which is obviously something only a damn draft-dodging, pot-smoking, LSD-taking, Satan worshipping long-haired 60's hippie would do and should therefore be impeached for."

"And where was he," slowly intoned courageous, honest, fair young Congressman Graham, "when his country asked him to go fight for freedom and justice in Viet Nam? Wherever he was, it's obvious he wasn't in Viet Nam, and is therefore obviously a total draft-dodging, pot-smoking, sex-fiend, Charlie Manson, long-haired drug-dealing 60's hippie and should be impeached up the wazoo.

"And, and, besides" said Congressman John F. Canady, "everybody knows his favorite song is, like, 'Stairway to Heaven,' and his favorite group (after Zappa, of course) is Blind Faith. So obviously he's a pot-smoking, draft-dodging, long-haired, Satan-worshipping, Charles Manson 60's hippie and should be immediately impeached and put to death."

"Yeah," said courageous, articulate Congressman Hutchinson, "and even though he looks just like Mick Jagger and talks just like Keith Richards, everybody knows his real name isn't just Pope John Paul, it's really Pope John Paul George and Ringo, but all his Papal Nuncios have been ordered, under penalty of having their balls cut off, to say the 'George and Ringo' part under their breath like a silent prayer, so no one'll hear and realize the Pope is, like, totally into the Beatles and is therefore obviously just another one of those motherfucking, pot-smoking, draft-dodging, sex-fiend, LSD-taking, rock 'n roll-listening, long-haired 60's hippies and should be just so tooootally impeached."

The congressmen also announced they were impeaching the planet Pluto, "on account of," said courageous avuncular Chairman Hyde, "we've just learned that Pluto isn't really a planet and therefore has been lying to the American people for more than 50 years and should therefore be impeached. But also it has this weird elliptical orbit and therefore is obviously on pot or something and therefore is obviously just another lying pot-smoking, draft-dodging, LSD-taking, rock 'n' roll-listening, VW van-driving, Charles Manson, long-haired bell-bottom-wearing 60's hippie and should be obviously be immediately be impeached."

Pluto and the Pope were both, apparently, too stoned on 'shrooms to comment.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC