Wednesday, January 28, 1998
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

President Appears in New
State of the Union Dress

Washington DC - (Jan 28) - Apparently, according to so-called "CNN," the so-called "President of the So-Called 'United States,'" looked a lot cooler than New York drag-queen/Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, last night, when he appeared in public, for the first time, in his new State of the Union Dress.

According to moonie stooge, Matt Drudge, or moonie stooge, the New York Times, the dress was "red" with a semen-stain trim around the collar.

However, former New Yorker so-called "writer," Sidney Blumenthal, immediately sued Drudge for $30 billion dollars, saying the dress was really a "salmon-rust color," and calling it "red" was "just a blatant attempt to defame the history of the world, in general, and human cognitive processes, in particular."

Clinton, on zero sleep and lotsa uppers, apparently felt so good in his new dress, he decided to give an impromptu speech. So he rounded up all his old drinking and whoring buddies, and got all the, you know, "members" of the so-called "House and Senate" to crowd into the so-called "House Chambers" and listen to his impromptu speech, and applaud when he told them to.

"You buncha sickass shitbags," he told the members of the House and Senate, but then, departed from his prepared remarks.

"I'd like to depart now," he told them, "From my prepared remarks, in order to hum a few bars of my new multi-platinum single, 'Clinton in the Wind, '98.'"

When he was done, and everyone was finished applauding, he went into a long-winded, avant-garde Social Security rant that was really designed just to let him spew a long stream of wacky blowjob double entendres that cracked everybody up while he maintained a perfectly cold and deadpan demeanor despite the active engagement of the Lucasfilm animatronic blowjob device housed in the base of the podium.

Then he passed out the official Monica Lewinsky "White House Knee-Pads" and told the assembled members how much he wanted an oral proffer from each and every one of them, "You know, just like the one Ken Starr got from William Ginsburg. You know, to show your loyalty, an all, now that you've all been reduced to impotent, quivering, sacks of shit."

Eventually, when all the knee pads were worn through to the floorboards, Clinton did some kind of 3-d graphic kinda thing, and somehow physically segued onto the stage, atom by atom, one by one, from both sides, the actors and mimes who'd made tonight's show possible.

"Let's have a big hand," the President said as the players joined him, "For the players who've made this show possible -- Mr. Ken Starr on castanets -- Paula Jones, whining and vocals -- Linda Tripp, audio sampling, -- Lucianne Goldberg, on synthesizers -- James Carville on percussion -- Vernon Jordan, triangle -- Leon Panetta, on accordion -- Susan Carpentar McMillan, back up vocals, and of course, our rising young star-is-born, Monica Lewinsky, on big fucking mouth."

Clinton made a sweeping motion with his arm to each as they appeared onstage, and then they all joined hands and took a number of long, deep bows together to the wild applause of the assembled Senators and congressmen and their sycophant butt-boys and girls.

When the applause died down and everyone was seated again, Clinton addressed the assembled Senators and congressmen and their sycophant butt-boys and girls.

"As your President and Entertainer-in-Chief," he began, "I'm aware of the great feeling of spiritual emptiness and longing that's been sweeping our people since the end of the OJ trial.

"With a perfect economy, no unemployment or inflation, world peace, and no crime or homelessness at home, I know it's hard for the American people to have anything to really give a flying fuck about.

"So I came up with the idea for this little national psycho-drama right after the so-called 'First Lady,' told me she was pretty sure that to solve the problems of our people, it was definitely gonna, you know, 'Take a blowjob.' And maybe even 2 or 3 blowjobs."

Then Clinton disbanded Congress, impeached the Supreme Court, and unanimously declared himself President for Life, with no possibility of parole.

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

MFU Now in Paperback.  Click to order

Copyright (c) 1998 by C3F