Santa Monica, CA - (Jan 29) - The following transcript of today's OJ Simpson Jury deliberations has been provided to us by an anonymous source whose name we are sworn never to reveal as long as we live, no matter what.
Juror #6: Well, OK, so did everybody watch Geraldo last night?
Juror #9: I was kinda switchin' back and forth between Geraldo and Larry King.
Juror #5: So what'd Larry King say?
Juror #9: Well, Dominic Dunne says he's guilty.
Juror #2: Man, Dominic Dunne's biased. What'd Dershowitz say? Whatever Dershowitz said is good enough for me.
Juror #11: Well, basically, Geraldo said the jury instructions were dumb so we don't have to bother reading them. Just check off everything.
Juror #1: Yeah, Gretta van Sustern said even she couldn't understand them.
Juror #10: Let's just decide who killed JonBenet and get outta here.
Juror #3: Who?
Juror #10: Isn't this the JonBenet Ramsey case. (Pulls ticket out of pocket and looks at it). Shit, I'm in the wrong high-profile murder case, and my fucking book's already half-written.
Juror #6: Don't worry. I'll let you have co-author credit on my book. And if you want, you can sing backup vocals on my forthcoming CD.
Juror #7: Hey would you pass that joint over here. I'm having trouble reading my notes.
Juror #1: OK, so let's get down to Simpson.
Juror #5: Who? I thought we were doing Paula Jones today. Isn't this the Supreme Court?
Juror #1: How about the shoes?
Juror #3: Yeah, they're ugly. I wouldn't wear 'em either. He's definitely innocent.
Juror #1: Yeah but Dershowitz really thinks he did it. You can tell.
Juror #3: Fuckit. I believe the evidence. The shoes are ugly. Case dismissed.
Juror #1: What about the bloody glove? The Rockingham Gate? The Bronco Chase?
Juror #3: Whatever. Can we go now?
Juror #2: Hey, I heard the Bronco tape on CNN today. Simpson said he loves everybody.
Juror #1: That's good enough for me. -- Not liable.
Juror #9: Not liable.
Juror #7: Not liable
Juror #3: Not liable. Can we go now?
Juror #8: No. We have to wait till at least Friday. If we come out any sooner, they'll think we're morons like the other jury and nobody'll buy our books. That's what Geraldo and Gretta van Sustern and Dershowitz and everybody says.
Sound of cards being shuffled.
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