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The New York Times: Moonie Stooge

According to an article in The New York Times, the paper of wrecked whores, sources close to the editor are reporting that The New York Times, the paper of erect hordes, is apparently just a stooge of the Reverend Moon's Unification Church.

"The New York Times," said Attorney-General Janet Reno, "Is just a bogus front organization for a vast network or Drudge-like Moonie clones, intent on their own sui generis form of antidisestablishmentarianism.

"These clones," the A-G continued, "Are recruited from the ever growing ranks of reformed gay serial killers, and they pretty much determine everything that runs in the New York Times, which pretty much determines everything that runs in Time and Newsweek and the Washington Post and the Drudge Report and NBC and ABC and CBS and CSPAN and CNN. So, like, why fucking bother?"

"These drug-addled right-wing wacko's and baby killers," said Reno, "Are sapping our precious bodily fluids, if you know what I mean."

She vowed to continue the war against drug czars.

"Yes, I've had to lie and cheat and steal and murder and fuck people over and be an utter slimeball in order to get to the position of power I now hold today," came a voice over the loudspeaker in the New York Times newsroom, "But I did it all just to help out those tragic people who are honest and good and pure and play by the rules and get pissed on and shat on and fucked up the ass time and again by people like me, and, as a result, lead miserable stupid lives of petty violence and unending boredom."

A spokesman for the New York Times, however, denied allegations that it's really just a buncha right-wing Moonie conspirators, trying to "get" the FBI or the Post Office or AT&T or "the people."

-- William Satire