Santa Monica, CA - (Jan 30) - Former newscaster and only person alive that anyone ever believed, Walter Cronkite, told reporters, today, that the transcripts and recordings of the OJ Bronco Chase recently released to the public, have been severely doctored and, in some cases, fabricated from whole cloth. He then recited, from memory, the authentic original recording, in its entirety, complete with telephone line noise, car engine sounds, and Lange's stomach rumblings.
Detective Lange: OJ. This is Detective Lange.
OJ: Fuck Yourself.
Lange: Come on OJ. Don't do this.
OJ: Hey Lange. I read your book. It's a piece 'a shit!
Lange: C'mon. OJ. Think of your kids.
OJ: Hey Lange. Speakin' a kids, I fucked your daughter, Jessica. And she sucked!
Lange: C'mon OJ. We all love you. Everybody loves you. And Jessica said you don't have a dick.
OJ: Look, Lange, I just wanna' see Nicole. I just wanna' be with Nicole. That's all.
Lange: OJ. You can't be with Nicole. She's dead, OJ. Some drug dealers gave her a Bolivian Necktie or whatever, cause they thought she was Faye Resnick.
OJ: No, man. Not that Nicole. She's history. I'm talkin' about Nicole Kidman.
Lange: OJ, she's married to Tom Cruise.
OJ: So? Hey, Cruise -- SHOW ME THE BIIIITCHHHH! How come that asshole gets all the parts, Lange? I'm a fuckin' better actor than he'll ever be.
Lange: You're the best actor in town, OJ. Now, c'mon, just throw the gun out the window.
OJ: But what if it lands on an ant or an earwig and kills it? I couldn't do that, Lange. I love all living things. You know?
Lange: C'mon OJ, don't do this. You've got everything to live for. Hey, you haven't used your AOL account much in the last few weeks, right? That means you've got a $40.00 refund coming from Steve Case. Just think of what you could do with that.
OJ: Shit. I could use a new pair of gloves.
Lange: Sure. That's it. Now c'mon and throw the gun out the window, OJ.
Lange: OJ. OJ. You still there? Look OJ. You can write a book. You'll have your own TV show, 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. You'll be a bigger star than you ever were.
OJ: Hmmmm. Who you gonna get to direct?
Lange: Spielberg. Who else? And we'll get Dominic Dunne to write the script.
OJ: Who's my co-stars?
Lange: We'll use a lotta' unknowns, from Central Casting. To make it feel authentic. And some people from real life. I don't know, say F. Lee Bailey or somebody like that.
OJ: Hey I saw this guy Cochrane or something, in a soap once. He was hot. Get him.
OJ: And parts for all my friends, like Kardashian, and, you know, that cleaning lady next door, Rosa Lopez, and, yeah, a good part for Kato -- cause the guy's done so much for me over the years.
Lange: You got it OJ. Whatever you want.
OJ: I love everybody, Lange. That's all I ever wanted to do. Just love everybody.
Lange: And they love you too OJ.
OJ: Hey, Lange?
OJ: Get fucked!
Boisterous laughter, farting, belching from the Bronco. All faithfully reproduced by Cronkite.
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