Friday, January 30, 1998
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Bully Pulpit Fiction

Windsor Locks, CT - (Jan 30) - According to alleged sources at either Newsweek or Newsweek or Newsweek, an improper sexual relationship has apparently existed between Matt Drudge and Matt Drudge for the past 7 years.

The improper sexual relationship is apparently part of an alleged right-wing conspiracy between the Reverend Moon, the New York Times, Jane Fonda, and Sammy "the Bull" Grabano, or whoever.

The improper sexual relationship was discovered while drug-addled, off-duty members of the FBI were investigating an unrelated alleged mystery cult that allegedly worships Mickey Mouse lunch pails and small swatches of fabric from Monica Lewinsky's allegedly semen-splattered wardrobe.

According to a deposition given by Paula Corbin Jones:

"Once upon a time, Webster Hubbell was having improper sexual relations with Jim Guy Tucker inside the Presidential beltway, if you know what I mean.

"The Right-Wing Nazi Baby-Killers were debating the Right-Wing Wacko Moonie Child Molesters over the issue of whether a blowjob is love or not. Then the governor dropped his pants and everything went blank."

According to the same article in either Newsweek or Newsweek or Newsweek, sources at Newsweek tell "reporters" at Newsweek that Newsweek has learned that Newsweek has received tapes and documents from reliable sources at Newsweek who can not, however, reveal their sources, because of pending litigation with Newsweek, if you know what I mean. The tapes and documents, apparently, however, reveal, that a vast Moonie-Matt Drudge-New York Times conspiracy is apparently responsible for either giving Faye Resnick a Bolivian necktie or accidentally killing Nicole, but, if they only gave Faye Resnick a Bolivian necktie, then their defense is that they only did it because Faye Resnick had already allegedly given JonBenet Ramsey a Bolivian necktie, and what goes around either comes around, or walks and talks bullshit and money -- or else it rides out on the horse it rode in on.

According to Newsweek, "If it walks like a duck, ask questions later."

The New York Times and the Wall Street Journal and Time and CNN and ABC and NBC and CBS simply pointed at Newsweek and said we're with stupid.

Meanwhile, Wired Magazine

Meanwhile Compaq computers has purchased the Digital Rectal Exam Equipment Corporation -- because, apparently, it's a perfect fit.

Later, Attorney General Reno invoked the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, or whatever, in claiming that there was no sexual agenda behind the so-called, alleged, improper innuendo.

Meanwhile, the National Institutes of Health reported that people all over the country have been staggering into emergency rooms in increasing numbers, vomiting uncontrollably.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, after extensive painful testing and anal probing using Digital Rectal Exam Equipment Corporation's new Compaq-manufactured 500 MHz Alpha Proctcessor, it was revealed that the mass vomiters were suffering from a new disease called William Ginsburg overload.

According to the article, in fact, if patients hadn't started vomiting uncontrollably when they did, another few minutes more of watching Monica Lewinsky's pompous asshole lawyer spewing endless reams of empty self-righteous blather, on yet another lame talk show, would have certainly killed them.

Researchers at the National Institutes of Health are now, in fact, actively seeking the gene for this trait, -- which allows you to not die, even in the face of endlessly insufferable assholes -- as it may hold the key to the future survival of man, in an increasingly hostile world.

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