Friday, January 31, 1997
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Deals, Suits, Fuck-Ups

Simpson Jury Signs Game Deal -- In a move which has shocked most Simpson civil trial observers and other losers, the members of the Simpson Civil Trial Jury have not signed multi-million dollar book and film deals. Instead, the jurors called a press conference early this morning, not to announce their verdict, but to announce that they've just signed a multi-million dollar game deal with The Milton Bradley Co.

]   The New game, entitled, "Blood Vials, Loop Magnifying Glasses and Bronco Interiors," is played with a small loop magnifying glass, a purple-top test tube used for blood collection, and is played on a board made out of photos of the Rockingham Gate blood stains and a diagram of the interior of a white Ford Bronco. Description of actual gameplay, which was developed while the jury was supposed to be deliberating the Simpson case, is being withheld, pending notification of next of kin.

Bitch Signs Book Deal -- OJ Simpson former bitch, Paula Barbieri, has signed a multi-million dollar book deal to write a tell-all memoir about her experiences around the time of the Brown-Goldman murders. The book, to be entitled, "Metamorphosis: The Paula Barbieri Story," will focus on the day, back in 1994, when, in the words of her opening paragraph, she "awoke one morning from uneasy dreams to find herself transformed in her bed into a gigantic insect."

Case Settles Suits -- AOL President, Steve Case, announced today that he'd collected all his old suits that he no longer wears, and packed them loosely in a large box. "Over time," he said," The suits will settle, and then I'll be able to put them in a smaller box. This will save considerable amounts of space and time and energy, and, therefore, will save money for our users."

Citizens Shocked by Major Governmental Fuck-ups -- Oh yeah. Small cat turds found in blood samples, and bits of leftover knockwurst sandwiches scattered throughout collected crime scene evidence at the FBI laboratories, have lead various authorities to suspect that the FBI just may have no fucking idea what the fuck it's doing. Similarly, the multi-billion dollar computer system which has gone unused at the IRS for the past 5 years because nobody knew how the fuck to turn it on, has also led several top investigative firms to suspect that the IRS also has no fucking idea what the fuck it's doing, or why, other than to fulfill its historic task of nailing political enemies of the party in power. According to one spokesperson for the newly merged FBIRS, "These agencies perfectly reflect and mirror the American people they serve, insofar as everything they've ever thought or said or done is absolutely WRONG!"


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F