Monday, February 1, 1999
Gagging, Retching Sounds Mar Super Bowl Commercials

Miami, FL - (Feb 1) - An otherwise stellar display of advertising prowess was unfortunately marred, yesterday, by all these, like, loud gagging and retching noises during commercials that aired on Sunday's exciting Super Bowl XXXIII telecast from Miami.

The Fox Television Network immediately issued an apology to all its advertisers and viewers, for the inconvenience.

"We are very sorry," said Fox CEO, George O. Fox, "about all the loud gagging and retching and long drawn out puking noises that somehow got mixed in with the commercials in yesterday's otherwise totally exciting Super Bowl broadcast. And I just want to say to you now that you have my total personal assurance that this will absolutely definitely positively 110% NEVER happen again!!!"

The gagging and retching and long drawn out puking sounds which appeared to be both male and female in timbre, also, apparently, included the sounds of continually trying to hock up large dark clumps of phlegm with only occasional success.

"It must have been a technical glitch originating in our New York studio," said Fox, who completely ruled out the possibility that the cause was some kind of hacker or lunatic out to destroy human civilization as we know it by undermining ad revenues.

Though advertisers had each paid about $800,000 per 30-second spot, Fox said no money would be refunded, as the gagging, retching, and phlegmy puking sounds were simply part of human nature and so nothing could be done about them. Period.

"In fact," Fox told them, "the gagging, retching, and phlegmy puking sounds actually heighten the ultimate impact of each spot by adding a layer of hip irony, much appreciated by today's Gen-Xers and Gen-Yers."

"Today's drugged-out MTV slacker Gen-Xer or Gen-Yer," he went on, "wants an airline or a hospital or a pharmaceutical company that, like her, doesn't really take itself too seriously. One that's capable of simply laughing off its endless lethal fuck-ups and skipping merrily on its way, leaving hundreds of dead bodies strewn all up and down Telegraph Avenue."

To bolster his assertion, Fox pointed to numerous studies performed at Cal Tech and MIT, just yesterday, which show conclusively that gagging, choking and long drawn out puking and phlegmy sounds in a commercial soundtrack almost always incite greater levels of positive consumer response than commercials with soundtracks that lack gagging, choking and long drawn out puking and phlegmy sounds.

In the MIT study, for example, a survey of 10,000 viewers across all age, class, gender, race, income, nationality, occupational, and educational groupings showed that, for over 85%, gagging and phlegmy puking noises in the background made absolutely no difference whatsoever in how they perceived Super Bowl commercials -- and everybody responding still planned to boycott ALL products from ALL Super Bowl advertisers as they do ALL YEAR LONG, every year, anyway.

Fox also apologized to viewers as well as advertisers for the loud yawning and choking sounds and occasional stomach noises that were heard in the background throughout the non-commercial segments of the broadcast, and which tended to, for the most part, completely drown out the so-called "play-by-play."

"There must have been a glitch in our animatronic announcers," Fox assured reporters, advertisers, and viewers alike, "and I can assure you that it absolutely positively 110% WON'T happen again!!"

As part of Sunday's Super Bowl, there was also apparently some game or something, which, according to Porkers Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, apparently consisted of a National Anthem, a coin toss, and some interceptions or something.

According to sources close to the game itself, the game itself went all the way and lasted the full 4 regulation "quarters," and when the clock finally ran down, it definitely "ended" and, as is customary, the team with the most points so-called "won," thereby enabling its sociopathic supporters and front office management to become even much bigger assholes than they already were, for the next few days, weeks or incarnations.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC