Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Wednesday, Feb 2, 2000
Quayle Wins Landslide Supreme Court Presidency In New Hampshire
Washington - (Feb 2) - Last night, New Hampshire voters spoke loud and clear and elected Dan Quayle to be President-For-Life of the Supreme Court of the Alcohol Tobacco and Fireants Department.

As everybody knows, the Supreme Court is the branch of government that decides if your DNA has to be modified or not.

Quayle was also elected president of the FBI so if the Supreme Court says you have to have your DNA modified by tomorrow, there's no way you're gonna go runnin' to the FBI and get them to kill the Supreme Court in time to stop them from arresting you first. No way at all.

"I will basically get Cannon and Bonanza and Dragnet to stand arm in arm so nobody can get through," said Quayle, speaking extemporaneously about his education or health care program after his stunning upset victory in which he beat both Starsky and Hutch and the Mod Squad.

But that was OK cause the Mod Squad was elected president of the CIA instead.

The CIA is the branch of government that starts a chain of universities where they try to come up with the kind of sentence that's so convoluted, it literally kills you by forcing all your other bodily systems to shut down so your brain can try to get the resources it needs to understand it and of which, in the end, by definition, there can never really ever be enough, so everybody, ultimately, just has to lay down and die of it.

Quayle was apparently elected on account of he supports the Deaf Penalty which states that if you're named Quayle and somebody asks you a question you're just too fucking stupid to answer, if you play deaf, there shouldn't be any penalty.

Quayle also supports so-called "a portion" which states that as soon as someone invents fetus-flavored ice-cream, "a portion" has to be sent to Dan Quayle.

Quayle also supports gum control, which states that AOL should invent a device made out of Confederate flags which can control all the gum stuck under all desks and chairs all over the world, throughout all history, in such a way that they can all be made to come unstuck at precisely the same moment so the collective sounds of their simultaneously hitting laps and floors of different timbres and resonant frequencies all over the world is such as to play the complete Built to Spill catalogue in a split second, with duration playing out in space rather than time.

Quayle said that during his tenure as president, he hoped to completely re-write the Constitution single-handedly, several times, in order to include more complex allegories based on real events which actually happened to, "like, REO Speedwagon and ZZ Top."

"Our foundling fathers have written a totally cool document," said Quayle, "but they've seriously downplayed the contributions of REO Speedwagon and ZZ Top, to thought."

Quayle originally took over the Supreme Court in 1963 when Reagan stepped down in order to be elected to have his life story made into "Weekend at Bernie's" or the "Last Year at Marienbad" action sequel, "Last Fist to Marienbad."

Quayle will also record the "Last Fist to Marienbad" soundtrack album, "Just Walk Away, Resnais."

Dan Quayle is also the first president of the Dan Quayle (formerly Massachusetts) Institute of Technology and the inventor of the Puff Daddy Theory of Relativity which states that, uhhhh, you know...., something about neutrinos and Jennifer Lopez's ass.

-- and featuring Gwyneth Paltrow as Delphine Seyrig.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
Star, Johnny Wadd, embraces Director Steven Spielberg as principle photography wraps on the "Last Year at Marienbad" porno action prequel, "Hard Ticket to Marienbad"

Washington Pissed In Major E-commerce Deal -- orders and receives whole ream of paper for $2.59 w/free shipping

Washington Pissed prepares for massive growth -- buys 1 lb bag of chips, $1.79

Washington Pissed buys eBay memorabilia on eBay

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