Monday, February 3, 1997
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Satanic Message Found in Bruno Magli Photos

In a yet another surprise press conference called early this morning, the OJ Simpson civil trial Jury, consisting of 7 Albanians, 3 Bulgarians, and 2 Afro-Asian Antarcticans, announced that, no, they hadn't gotten the fuck around to deliberating the Simpson case yet, cause, a), they'd already been there and done that and were just bored shitless by any further mention of Broncos, Bronco Chases, Rockingham Estates, Bloody Gloves, Bloody Socks, Bloody Gates and Blood in general, and b), in pretending to be looking at evidence, they'd actually come up with [IMAGE:
]   a startling revelation that was worth at least a 6-picture deal and a Todd Rundgren-produced CD-ROM or two, fuck this piddling book deal crap.

"We were just playing poker, minding our own business," Juror #7 told reporters, "When Juror #5 mentioned how she'd gotten this splinter in her ass from sliding down the bannister that goes from the courtroom to the jury room -- and Juror #9 suggested that we request a magnifying glass so we could help her get it out and, at the same time, make it look like we were really getting, you know, deep into the evidence.

"Well, after we got the splinter out and went back to the poker game, the magnifying glass was just lying around and somehow ended up on the picture of the Bruno Magli shoes and, in between hands, Juror #6, was just idly glancing around and just happened to look through it and notice what looked like writing in the lower right hand corner, just beneath the left shoe.

"At that point we requested, and were provided with, a couplea Cray-1's to do some further image enhancement and analysis, and, in a matter of hours, we'd determined conclusively that the words, 'Hail, Satan, Mother of Jesus,' were subliminally hidden in all 30 photos where they were poised, waiting to destroy the minds of our innocent, unsuspecting youth."

Apparently, it was Juror #10 who pointed out that this kinda thing had been the subject of a number of major motion pictures like Antonioni's "Blow Up" and De Palma's "Blow Out," and he had his agent immediately contact Demi Moore for whom, apparently, just hearing the word "Blow" was more than enough, and she agreed to star in the picture provided she gets to be typecast in the role of an obnoxious creep.

Aside from the picture, which begins shooting tomorrow morning, several of the jurors also announced they'd be starting a foundation to combat Satanism in all its forms -- especially the form where it hides, subliminally, down at the micro-level of cultural artifacts.

"These hidden messages are everywhere throughout our culture and its pieces of artifact," said Juror #2, the President of the new "Jurors Number 2, 7, and 11 Foundation," "And our first act will be to hire millions of people and equip them with, like, really big magnifying glasses, so they can go around scanning like all the images and things where satanic messages may be hidden."

As for the Simpson case, the feelings of the entire jury panel were perhaps best summed up in the words of one of the Jurors who said,"Uhh, Juror #4 picks Door #3. Can I go now?"

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