Wednesday, February 3, 1999
Capitalism Buys Socialism

Wendover, NV - (Feb 3) - In a move to strengthen its position as the world's #1 cognitive straight-jacket, Capitalism today announced that it has signed an agreement to acquire Socialism, the world's #5 cognitive cod piece.

The so-called "deal" is worth about $1.8 billion in options and $3.7 billion in vodka, tomato juice, ice, and .357 magnums aimed at the "brains" of their otherwise shit-faced owners.

Shares of both companies skyrocketed to new highs so high that no name or number yet exists to describe or measure them, and one will have to be invented.

"Needless to say," said Capitalism spokesperson Garth Register Jr., "this is a win-win situation. Unfortunately I am currently coming up completely blank as to why."

"Yes," interjected Socialism spokesperson, Hollis Mosher III, "there's definitely a reason why this is a win-win situation, but I am also coming up completely blank when I try to remember what it was. And we were just talking about it in the office the other day, too."

Under the terms of the agreement, the new merged resources of Capitalism and Socialism will be known collectively as "Capitalism."

"The combination of Capitalism and Socialism," said Capitalism spokesperson Register, "will allow us to create a world where EVERYTHING is now COMPLETELY FREE!! Housing, cars, food, airline travel, utilities, clothing, health care, education, communications, entertainment, napkins, ash trays, swizzle sticks, you name it..."

"All that will be asked of the driver of the car, the wearer of the clothes, the inhabitant of the house, is that the car, instead of paint, be covered with animated neon advertising stickers; the clothes, instead of delicate floral patterns, be covered with animated neon advertising stickers; and the walls of the house both inside and out, instead of paint or wallpaper, be covered with animated neon advertising stickers."

According to Register, free pills and free medicine will contain tiny microprocessors that act like viruses inserting ads directly into DNA -- and intravenous injections will contain whole micro super-computers with neural net software that figures out, on the fly, how to enter any cell and read through the DNA there in order to determine, on its own, specifically what to do, given only some vague objective like "make this person just a little less pissed off, please, so she can shill a little better for our crap."

Socialism spokesperson Mosher also promised that "everything will now be 24 hour-a-day, 7 day-a-week full-on frontal public nudity. With full-on backside public nudity always available on demand."

"But if everything is given away free," asked the same reporter who earlier had asked them to rate how incredibly stupid this all was, "why would anyone even bother advertising at all?

"Ahh yesss," Register answered, "but the more product you give away, the more $$$ you can charge other products to advertise on yours, which is worth it to them because by selling more, they can now charge more $$$ to other products who advertise on their product, as can, in turn, the other products themselves now charge more $$$ for advertising on, you know, themselves -- and so on till well after the end of the world."

"Everybody's business model is, therefore," interjected Mosher, "simply selling advertising to everybody else -- which means that, basically, the same pool of money is just passed from hand to hand to hand in a circle and it all balances out to zero in the end. Which, in turn means that actual money doesn't even really need to exist at all, and financial transactions don't even really need to take place at all, either. And once money and work are eliminated in this way, mankind will be freed up to have much more time to engage in a vast range of all kinds of other things -- though, I must confess, I am currently hard pressed to come up with just what exactly any of those 'all kinds of other things' just might be."

Also part of the merger is a provision which would allow Jesus, for promotional purposes, to now call herself "the Un-Anti-Christ."

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC