Wednesday, February 4, 1998
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Military Embraces
Twinkie Defense

Washingberg, DC - (Feb 4) - According to sources in the Pentagram, the US military will launch a massive 5-week bombing campaign against Bhagdad, Iraq beginning this Friday, in retaliation for, you know, "stuff."

The source claimed, however, that rather than use those totally boring old "been there, done that," cruise missiles and smart bombs, "We'll be dropping 4 billion tons of Hostess Twinkies, instead."

The Twinkies were recalled last month because, whoops!, they were, you know, "accidentally," filled with flecked asbestos instead of whipped cream, and have been rotting away in elementary school buildings and school busses ever since, while authorities try to figure out how to dispose of them without killing snail darters or spice girls.

The spokesman claimed that using the Twinkies to bomb Iraq would not only save billions of dollars in both waste disposal and munitions costs, but, once the starving Iraqis eat the Twinkies, "They'll become all lazy and sex-crazed, just like Americans, and then we can all be brothers and love one another, and live in peace, and not have to have World War 7, plus or minus 2."

However, according to another nonymous spokesperson for the Pentagram, "If dropping Twinkies doesn't work, the US will simply drop its collective national pants and say to Iraq, 'Hey, baby, how about a blow job?'"

Apparently, That Wet Stuff Is Only Rain

According to an article to be published in the May '99 issue of Newsweek, the June '98 issue of Time will feature a cover story stating categorically that, apparently, that stuff falling out of the sky en masse today in the Northeast and Californiagate, is actually rain, and not, as suggested by tomorrow's issue of TV Guide, Presidential ejaculate.

Yeltsin Rattles

In surprisingly blunt comments, Russian Prime Minister, Boris Yeltsin, today, said, "Hey, whoever finished off my Stoli, is lookin' for a fuckin' World War. If ya know what I mean."

Trie Popped

Democratic fugitive illegal campaign fund-raiser, Charlie Trie, was arrested yesterday for the crime of, either allegedly or apparently, wearing a yellow shirt with a blue tie while being arrested.

The jarringly psychedelic color combo touched off a round of tragically inter-twining acid flashbacks that left 5 missing and a tractor-trailer carrying "CNET sucks" banners, overturned in a ditch.

Stephanopolous Fries

Former White House aide, Gerorge Stephanopolous, was apparently tried and sentenced and fried in the Texas electric chair yesterday, for apparently the crime of smoking crack with Ruth Bader Ginsburg or William Ginsburg or Allen Ginsberg, or all 3.

As with the crime of lying about participating in a blowjob, the crime of smoking crack with either Ruth Bader Ginsburg or William Ginsburg or Allen Ginsberg, or all 3, is a felony punishable by being fried in the electric chair, and then eaten by George Bush Jr., so he can be elected President in 2000 over Al Gore who has consistently declined to do anything more than merely bite the heads off bats and small reptiles.

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