Wednesday, February 5, 1997
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Clinton Calls For End of Work As We Know It

Saying it was "Time to end the enslavement of the American people to the cocksucking, motherfucking, almighty buck," President Clinton, in his State of the Union Address, last night, called for "the end of work as we know it."

]   "The senseless, advertising-driven desire for worthless material bullshit, which is the primary tool of creepy, slimeball capitalism, has made pathetic slaves of us all," the President told the collected members of the House, the Senate, his Cabinet and various invited guests, assembled in the White House's Lincoln Bedroom.

In a speech delivered at double speed, so as not to interfere with the reading of the OJ Simpson Civil Trial verdict, the President stated that, "Most Americans spend most of their lives working miserable, debilitating jobs creating worthless shit that nobody really wants or needs, just so they can afford to go out and buy this same shit themselves -- and all just to further fatten a few elitist fat cats and their sycophant cronies who are even worse slaves to stupid, ego-driven materialism.

"Like we really need 500 styles and colors of running shoe, 500 brands and flavors of sugar water, 500 flavors and shapes of sugar-coated wheat-flakes, cubic zirconium earrings, product-placement tee-shirts, poison hair dye, salad shooters, weed whackers, Mr. Microphones, high-priced whores and pez dispensers. Not to mention useless packaging and advertising costing 10 times the actual value of the product.

"By eliminating all these worthless material goods," the President continued, "We can in turn eliminate all the boring, mind-numbing jobs needed to produce and advertise and market and sell them, and thus give back to the American people some of their time and energy and maybe even the ability to stop and see if there's still some tiny fragment left of their motherfucking souls."

Though the entire audience of bloated, self-aggrandized, fat cats sat in shocked silence, one 8-year old in attendance, got all antsy and interrupted the President's speech.

"With all due respect, Mr. President," she said, "Surely you're aware that once there are no more jobs making products, the only honest work left will be making up stories about jobs. But inevitably, some of these stories will be so elaborate that actual jobs will have to be created just to be able to tell them with a straight face. And once these few jobs exist, their workers will need someplace to go to get shit-faced, after a hard day, and so somebody'll have to open a bar, and then somebody'll have to come break up fights and arrest drunks and assholes at the bar, so a whole penal system will need to be installed which means there'll have to be gun stores and donut shops, and the people who work at the donut shops will have to see oncologists for the cancers they develop from handling so much donut grease, and so there'll have to be a medical center, and the doctors who work there will need a place to go buy raw meat to practise surgery on, so there'll have to be a butcher who'll need a place to go get his knives sharpened and will also attract a lot of flies so there'll have to be exterminators who'll need poison so there'll have to be chemists who won't be able to keep themselves from producing hallucinogens so there'll have to be moralistic fucking assholes like William Bennett... So why bother?"

"Hmmm," said the President, a pensive look on his face, "I guess you're right.... Oh well .... Just a thought I had last night, when I was ripped on angel dust with Janet Reno and Ruth Bader Ginsburg in the Oval Office.... Hey, Hillary, flip on the Jumbotron ... let's see who won the Simpson game ... uhh trial."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F